Today, as I did some homeschooling lessons with my daughter I stumbled across this prayer from St.Francis of Assisi.
"Lord, make us instruments of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let us sow love; Where there is injury, let there be pardon; Where there is discord, union; Where there is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; Where there is sadness, joy; For Your mercy and for Your truth's sake."
How very appropriate. When we are under adversity our response is generally the opposite to what God calls us to be. Humility is not easy but it is the easiest way to Joy. Along the same lines...This morning my Bible study was in Philippians 2. I have memorized much of Philippians 2 over the years, but this morning it had a greater impact than I expected. I am still mulling over the fruits of the spirit as I mentioned in a previous post...I think that today's lesson in humility goes along very well with my pursuit of Joy. My prayer is that God continue to do His good work in me and conforming everyday closer to His image. Also notice the word Joy once again in my path. God is consistent~ of that I am sure!
Philippians 2
Imitating Christ’s Humility
1 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. 5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in very nature[a] God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; 7 rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature[b] of a servant, being made in human likeness. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross! 9 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, 10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Do Everything Without Grumbling
12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. 14 Do everything without grumbling or arguing, 15 so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”[c] Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky 16 as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. 17 But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. 18 So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.
Timothy and Epaphroditus
19 I hope in the Lord Jesus to send Timothy to you soon, that I also may be cheered when I receive news about you. 20 I have no one else like him, who will show genuine concern for your welfare. 21 For everyone looks out for their own interests, not those of Jesus Christ. 22 But you know that Timothy has proved himself, because as a son with his father he has served with me in the work of the gospel. 23 I hope, therefore, to send him as soon as I see how things go with me. 24 And I am confident in the Lord that I myself will come soon. 25 But I think it is necessary to send back to you Epaphroditus, my brother, co-worker and fellow soldier, who is also your messenger, whom you sent to take care of my needs. 26 For he longs for all of you and is distressed because you heard he was ill. 27 Indeed he was ill, and almost died. But God had mercy on him, and not on him only but also on me, to spare me sorrow upon sorrow. 28 Therefore I am all the more eager to send him, so that when you see him again you may be glad and I may have less anxiety. 29 So then, welcome him in the Lord with great joy, and honor people like him, 30 because he almost died for the work of Christ. He risked his life to make up for the help you yourselves could not give me.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
Joy
This past summer my oldest daugher, Maddie, discovered how to make rainbows with the water hose. She would take the hose and put the nozzle onto the mist setting and spray wildly into the sunshine. It took some practice but eventually she discovered how to find the rainbows around our yard. Maddie also found rainbows at the water park and even at the Zoo one day. She was just enraptured by the beauty of these perfect rainbows there were hidden everywhere. Every found secret rainbow unleashed a new sense of Joy! When she asked me how it worked I explained that when the water and the sunlight mixed, we would be able to see all of the rainbows that God has hidden for us. It got me thinking about what a wonderful God we serve that He would hide Joy in the most currious places.
So moves me to my point~Joy. There has been something strange happening to me lately that I can only assume is a God thing. Joy. I see Joy everywhere. And what I mean by that is I see the word Joy everywhere. I was reading a new book this week and there was a baby named Joyce they called Joy, my daughter was singing Joy to the World and asked me to spell Joy, I found a Christmas ornament JOY and this past weekend we were at a store and I saw the word Joy at least 30 times. I started thinking about what that word meant. What is real Joy? I have this image of the Bible my mother had when I was a little girl-called "The Way". There was a woman on the cover that was looking heavenward and had this look of unexpliciable Joy on her face. I loved that picture. She was so happy and I knew it was because she was on the cover of Jesus' book. I know that was cheezzy but it made me smile as I wrote it-because it really was what I thought at the time. My love for that old Bible was shared by my mother, who read it until it literally fell apart (in my opinion the best way to see a Bible).
In my life, I don't know many times that I have felt that sort of pure Joy. I can name a few- my wedding day just before we said I do- I was consummed with so much Joy I nearly kissed my groom too soon, the first time I held Maddie, the first time I held Sydney and a couple of times when I was worshiping that I felt as if I had been physically in the presence of the Lord. And although I look at these moments as pure gifts from my loving Father I am certain that there are more moments than just these few that He has given to us. Are we missing the Joy simply because we don't look for it or is it related to our obedience and complete submission to Him? I don't think that the Bible would have mentioned it as one of the fruits of the Spirit if the Lord didn't intend on us receiving it. Unfortunately, I think we focus on love and peace way more then we ever think of Joy or patience or kindness or goodness or self-control or faithfullness or gentleness. They are all the fruits of a surrendered life but we refuse to surrender and therefore find none of them.
So maybe God is telling me to surrender- to finally find that Joy that I keep hearing about. Surrender is work though. It's funny because the word itself make you appear weak but think about it-surrender is work. It is not easy to give up your personal control and allow God to move. We don't want to repent, change, be uncomfortable. We want what we want-sometimes with only a slight consideration of what God's will is. Our will trumps God's even though the voice in the back of our head (ahem...the Holy Spirit) is telling us to re-think the situatiion. We miss out on so much Joy because we refuse to obey and ultimately surrender to the God of our life.
Well for what it is worth, I believe that Joy is like those rainbows, or one of Maddie's hidden picture games~it is everywhere~we just have to surrender and allow God to reveal it. Couldn't you use some Joy in your life? I know I could.
Joy.
Psalm 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.
So moves me to my point~Joy. There has been something strange happening to me lately that I can only assume is a God thing. Joy. I see Joy everywhere. And what I mean by that is I see the word Joy everywhere. I was reading a new book this week and there was a baby named Joyce they called Joy, my daughter was singing Joy to the World and asked me to spell Joy, I found a Christmas ornament JOY and this past weekend we were at a store and I saw the word Joy at least 30 times. I started thinking about what that word meant. What is real Joy? I have this image of the Bible my mother had when I was a little girl-called "The Way". There was a woman on the cover that was looking heavenward and had this look of unexpliciable Joy on her face. I loved that picture. She was so happy and I knew it was because she was on the cover of Jesus' book. I know that was cheezzy but it made me smile as I wrote it-because it really was what I thought at the time. My love for that old Bible was shared by my mother, who read it until it literally fell apart (in my opinion the best way to see a Bible).
In my life, I don't know many times that I have felt that sort of pure Joy. I can name a few- my wedding day just before we said I do- I was consummed with so much Joy I nearly kissed my groom too soon, the first time I held Maddie, the first time I held Sydney and a couple of times when I was worshiping that I felt as if I had been physically in the presence of the Lord. And although I look at these moments as pure gifts from my loving Father I am certain that there are more moments than just these few that He has given to us. Are we missing the Joy simply because we don't look for it or is it related to our obedience and complete submission to Him? I don't think that the Bible would have mentioned it as one of the fruits of the Spirit if the Lord didn't intend on us receiving it. Unfortunately, I think we focus on love and peace way more then we ever think of Joy or patience or kindness or goodness or self-control or faithfullness or gentleness. They are all the fruits of a surrendered life but we refuse to surrender and therefore find none of them.
So maybe God is telling me to surrender- to finally find that Joy that I keep hearing about. Surrender is work though. It's funny because the word itself make you appear weak but think about it-surrender is work. It is not easy to give up your personal control and allow God to move. We don't want to repent, change, be uncomfortable. We want what we want-sometimes with only a slight consideration of what God's will is. Our will trumps God's even though the voice in the back of our head (ahem...the Holy Spirit) is telling us to re-think the situatiion. We miss out on so much Joy because we refuse to obey and ultimately surrender to the God of our life.
Well for what it is worth, I believe that Joy is like those rainbows, or one of Maddie's hidden picture games~it is everywhere~we just have to surrender and allow God to reveal it. Couldn't you use some Joy in your life? I know I could.
Joy.
Psalm 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
hot and bothered
As a child, I often found myself hot, sweaty and red-faced. This was not due to embarrassment~I was just hot. Most pictures of me (including my wedding pictures)are adorned in a very Rosy hue. Recently, I have had the exact opposite issue- I am freezing all of the time. Today in church, I was shivering so bad I cuddled with my husband for a little heat. Burr~I say! What a turnaround. It is funny to think about all of the changes that my body is going through. The physical changes go beyond how I look and how fast I can man a tread-mill. Because I have lost so much extra insulation- my temperature has changed.
These changes have happened so quickly that sometimes I have trouble grasping what is happening to me. One of the doctors at the clinic where I had my surgery said something to me that has stayed with me through the process. He said, "after this, you need to tell yourself that you are a fat person no longer". I guess I am still processing that idea. I still see myself as a 300+ person in spite of the fact that I have lost 70+ lbs. I recently read a blog written by a fellow bariatric patient that said something to the fact that it takes a lot of time for your mind to catch up with your weight loss. I can certainly see that is true. It is a struggle to get my head and heart around the idea that I am smaller.
I don't think that it is just a struggle for me- it has been my friends too. At first, people would look at me curiously and then ask me if I had changed my hair. "no, I haven't" was my reply. Funny, I couldn't bring myself to tell them the truth. Am I embarrassed? Maybe afraid of their response to my decision to do this thing. At this point it is no longer a secret that I did this and people will comment about my physical change but they don't want any details. That is hard for me. I want to talk about it. I want to process what is happening to me but I suppose it is some sort of taboo. Indeed you have changed, Erika, but don't tell us the gory details.
Another strange phenomenon is how people I don't know look at me. This is not a pity party but the honest truth- people look at me again. In the last few years, I had noticed that people had stopped looking me in the eye. At the grocery store, I used to catch the eye of the cashier as my children would do something funny and we would laugh. About three years ago, that stopped. People stopped looking at me. As if I had some sort of horrible physical defect that they couldn't stand to look at. In the three months since my surgery, people have started looking at me again. Talking to my face and laughing with me again. It is bittersweet because while I enjoy these new found friendships, I mourn for countless obese women everywhere who are suffering from this old fashioned shunning. I wish there was a way to show people that we all struggle with something: money, anger, alcohol/drugs, gossip...over eaters just can't hide their struggle-it's all over their body for all to see. If we all struggle, why do we despise someone for their personal struggle?
These changes have happened so quickly that sometimes I have trouble grasping what is happening to me. One of the doctors at the clinic where I had my surgery said something to me that has stayed with me through the process. He said, "after this, you need to tell yourself that you are a fat person no longer". I guess I am still processing that idea. I still see myself as a 300+ person in spite of the fact that I have lost 70+ lbs. I recently read a blog written by a fellow bariatric patient that said something to the fact that it takes a lot of time for your mind to catch up with your weight loss. I can certainly see that is true. It is a struggle to get my head and heart around the idea that I am smaller.
I don't think that it is just a struggle for me- it has been my friends too. At first, people would look at me curiously and then ask me if I had changed my hair. "no, I haven't" was my reply. Funny, I couldn't bring myself to tell them the truth. Am I embarrassed? Maybe afraid of their response to my decision to do this thing. At this point it is no longer a secret that I did this and people will comment about my physical change but they don't want any details. That is hard for me. I want to talk about it. I want to process what is happening to me but I suppose it is some sort of taboo. Indeed you have changed, Erika, but don't tell us the gory details.
Another strange phenomenon is how people I don't know look at me. This is not a pity party but the honest truth- people look at me again. In the last few years, I had noticed that people had stopped looking me in the eye. At the grocery store, I used to catch the eye of the cashier as my children would do something funny and we would laugh. About three years ago, that stopped. People stopped looking at me. As if I had some sort of horrible physical defect that they couldn't stand to look at. In the three months since my surgery, people have started looking at me again. Talking to my face and laughing with me again. It is bittersweet because while I enjoy these new found friendships, I mourn for countless obese women everywhere who are suffering from this old fashioned shunning. I wish there was a way to show people that we all struggle with something: money, anger, alcohol/drugs, gossip...over eaters just can't hide their struggle-it's all over their body for all to see. If we all struggle, why do we despise someone for their personal struggle?
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
The Beautiful View
I met my husband Russ in 2002 and at the time I was in the process of building my very first home. In fact, part of our very first date was spent at the newly poured slab of what would become our first home. At the beginning of October it will be 8 years since I closed on this house. Russ and I were married shortly thereafter.
A couple of days after we closed on our house, we painted our living room a shade of green that has been described by some as seafoam green! ;) While that color sounds rather atrocious, I really loved it. I would often stare at the walls and reflect on the cool color. Very calming and serene~ it made me feel peaceful. Through the years many guests have often walked in and commented on this color~ good or bad~ they commented. Here is the before picture.
Well, time marches on and I suppose we change- our tastes, desires and sense of beauty... I found this particularlly true this weekend as Russ and I painted over the green walls that had for so long entranced me. It was a bittersweet change for me. Saying goodbye to part of our little history together. It was time for this change- there is no doubt of that. There were many chips and broken places where life has happened. Eight years and two small children later, the life of the green walls had come to an end.
It took me a long time to pick out the right colors but finally I choose two shades of brown. I figured neutral colors would make the house easier to sell. We made our purchase and taped off the corners. Let the painting begin!
As soon as I applied the first brush stroke to the wall, I knew the colors were not what I had thought they would be! But it didn't bother me at all. It was a currious thing. The walls, instead of the neutral browns, look grey. A very light grey and a deep rich grey. So fantastic. Here are a couple of pictures.
Now all of the rough patches are covered over. No more black marks from thrown shoes or chips where the kids have run their chairs into the walls. The view is much nicer- but I wonder what new memories we will find with these new grey walls. What will happen in the next few years as we mark a decade in this home. Isn't the view beautiful.
A couple of days after we closed on our house, we painted our living room a shade of green that has been described by some as seafoam green! ;) While that color sounds rather atrocious, I really loved it. I would often stare at the walls and reflect on the cool color. Very calming and serene~ it made me feel peaceful. Through the years many guests have often walked in and commented on this color~ good or bad~ they commented. Here is the before picture.
Well, time marches on and I suppose we change- our tastes, desires and sense of beauty... I found this particularlly true this weekend as Russ and I painted over the green walls that had for so long entranced me. It was a bittersweet change for me. Saying goodbye to part of our little history together. It was time for this change- there is no doubt of that. There were many chips and broken places where life has happened. Eight years and two small children later, the life of the green walls had come to an end.
It took me a long time to pick out the right colors but finally I choose two shades of brown. I figured neutral colors would make the house easier to sell. We made our purchase and taped off the corners. Let the painting begin!
As soon as I applied the first brush stroke to the wall, I knew the colors were not what I had thought they would be! But it didn't bother me at all. It was a currious thing. The walls, instead of the neutral browns, look grey. A very light grey and a deep rich grey. So fantastic. Here are a couple of pictures.
Now all of the rough patches are covered over. No more black marks from thrown shoes or chips where the kids have run their chairs into the walls. The view is much nicer- but I wonder what new memories we will find with these new grey walls. What will happen in the next few years as we mark a decade in this home. Isn't the view beautiful.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Change Is Coming
There is change in the air. Autumn winds have begun blowing some of the dried tree leaves into our pool. The shadows of fall are gathering around the sky. Change is coming. This is also true for me. Change has begun to establish itself all around me. My clothes are getting too big to wear. My bones are beginning to emerge from the soft tissue that used to incase them. My muscle tissue is still somewhat limp from inactivity but change is coming swiftly. My doctor gave me a B12 shot last week and my energy has returned! I am changing inwardly too. I looked in the mirror the other day and had to do a double take. I have lost 44lbs since my surgery. 44lbs in 5 weeks! That is just amazing! I feel like life is now beginning for me. I took my girls on a play date on Tuesday and was sitting with my legs crossed for at least 20 minutes before it occured to me that I had my legs crossed. I cannot remember the last time I was able to do that. Change is coming.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Sydney
It's funny how difficult life seems when you have two small children. There seems to be an enless pile of laundry, the floor needs to be vacuumed or mopped and the list goes on and on. There never seems to be enough time for anything. The years are passing quickly here and nothing reminds us of that so strongly as the birthday of a child. My youngest daughter, Sydney, will be three years old on August 31st.
It seems just like yesterday that I was on bedrest waiting on her arrival. She was a strong kicker~ a mover and a shaker from the start. Sydney is my wild girl with striking blonde hair and a smile that will break your heart. She is a dancer~ our little dancing queen.
Sydney is my girl. I love her intensity and deep love for animals. She is a person to watch and learn from as she grabs hold of life and enjoys it with abandon.
What a blessing children are~if only we would take the time to enjoy them and forget the laundry for a while. Happy Birthday my little one!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Milestones
Yesterday we had a birthday party for my girls. My oldest, Maddie was 5 years old on August 6th 
and my youngest, Sydney will be 3 years old on August 31st. 
Needless to say- I am becoming nostolgic at the thought of passing the 5 year mark as a mother. It is amazing all of the milestones my girls have already passed. They are beautiful and are such a gift. In this 5 years, I have seen much more than I think I may have wanted, I have given more than I ever thought possible and I have received beyond the imaginable. I love being a mother to my girls. Thank you Lord for the gift of Motherhood- may I never take it for granted and may I always be in awe that you blessed me with it so richly.
and my youngest, Sydney will be 3 years old on August 31st. 
Needless to say- I am becoming nostolgic at the thought of passing the 5 year mark as a mother. It is amazing all of the milestones my girls have already passed. They are beautiful and are such a gift. In this 5 years, I have seen much more than I think I may have wanted, I have given more than I ever thought possible and I have received beyond the imaginable. I love being a mother to my girls. Thank you Lord for the gift of Motherhood- may I never take it for granted and may I always be in awe that you blessed me with it so richly.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
A Whole New World
So here is has been three weeks to the day of my surgery. It is a new and strange world for me. I feel really good most of the time. Eating is a challenge. I am still on a mostly liquid diet and that has made me pretty miserable. I have always had a fondness for soup but after this experience, I may never want it again. The biggest change that I have seen in myself is the amounts that I eat. There is just no way to explain how it feels when I take one bite too many...I just feel sick. Really sick. This has even happened with water. I am basically re-learning to eat and drink. Three bites of food used to just be the start of my meal and now that is my meal. It has made me more selective of what I choose to put in my mouth. I am anxious for the six weeks of soft food diet to be over just so I can start testing my new stomach for foods that I like.
The scale is another thing to add to the strange list. When Russ and I met 8 years ago- I weighed 10 pounds more than him. Within this last week, I now weigh 5 pounds less than him. That has never happened. It was a milestone for me because I have always felt ashamed that I was heavier than my husband. I suppose that there was always this vision in the back of my head of the husband carring his wife over the threshold. Maybe that will be me someday. Maybe it will.
I met my first goal yesterday! My next goal is 25 lbs away! That will be a huge milestone for me as it will be the lightest Russ has ever seen me. I am excited about that! My clothes aren't really baggy yet- just loose. That is fine with me. I don't want to have to buy anything new just yet. I found some cool summer dresses that will take me into the fall for a while. There are drawstrings on them so I will easily be able to make them smaller.
On the 29th of August I will post the first round of pictures as that will be a month from my surgery date! This is a strange journey that I am on. My body seems to be changing daily and my heart is changing with it.
The scale is another thing to add to the strange list. When Russ and I met 8 years ago- I weighed 10 pounds more than him. Within this last week, I now weigh 5 pounds less than him. That has never happened. It was a milestone for me because I have always felt ashamed that I was heavier than my husband. I suppose that there was always this vision in the back of my head of the husband carring his wife over the threshold. Maybe that will be me someday. Maybe it will.
I met my first goal yesterday! My next goal is 25 lbs away! That will be a huge milestone for me as it will be the lightest Russ has ever seen me. I am excited about that! My clothes aren't really baggy yet- just loose. That is fine with me. I don't want to have to buy anything new just yet. I found some cool summer dresses that will take me into the fall for a while. There are drawstrings on them so I will easily be able to make them smaller.
On the 29th of August I will post the first round of pictures as that will be a month from my surgery date! This is a strange journey that I am on. My body seems to be changing daily and my heart is changing with it.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
PCOS and Bariatric Surgery
I found an article recently that shows there is research regarding the affect of bariatric surgery and PCOS or Polycystic Ovary Syndrome on the women's health website. I thought it was interesting. It would be wonderful if my bariatric surgery helped my PCOS! What a miracle that would be!! Here is the web address. http://www.womenshealth.gov/faq/polycystic-ovary-syndrome.cfm#m
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
My Goliath My Sling My Rock
I opened my Bible today to the story of David (I Samuel 17). I read the story of the war with the Philistines and then David and Goliath. Goliath was a giant, even by today's standards. A giant of a problem. He was rude and made everyone uncomfortable. He embarrassed and shamed the Israelites- mocking them and their God saying that they will not win the fight. The Israelites were terrified as most of us would also be; frozen by our fears.
David however trusted God and went to single hand combat with this giant- only a sling and 5 stones. What did he see as he walked into the valley between the two armies and saw the full measure of his giant? Did he think of the bear or the lion he had killed as he kept watch over his herd of sheep. Was he confident in his own ability or did he just simply trust in his loving Father and know that it was all going to be OK. For the battle belongs to the Lord.
We all know how the story ends- David kills Goliath with just a single stone and the might of God's strong hand!Don't we all have a Goliath in our lives? A giant that just seems extraordinary and impossible to conquer. For me obesity is my giant. Everyday it is a struggle-an extraordinary struggle. A giant charging at me that I fear and cannot control. Laying here in my bed, I feel the weight pressing on my lungs-making it difficult to breath. My knees and back ache. A constant reminder that my body is suffering from my giant. But today, I choose to take hold of my sling, I have chosen my rock and I choose to fight back. Although I am afraid-This giant will no longer conquer me nor will he defeat me. There will be freedom for me. And in the end I look forward to seeing my giant defeated and the four stones in my hand as if proof of my faithful God- who knows my struggle and loves me anyway and won the battle in spite of my fear.
David however trusted God and went to single hand combat with this giant- only a sling and 5 stones. What did he see as he walked into the valley between the two armies and saw the full measure of his giant? Did he think of the bear or the lion he had killed as he kept watch over his herd of sheep. Was he confident in his own ability or did he just simply trust in his loving Father and know that it was all going to be OK. For the battle belongs to the Lord.
We all know how the story ends- David kills Goliath with just a single stone and the might of God's strong hand!Don't we all have a Goliath in our lives? A giant that just seems extraordinary and impossible to conquer. For me obesity is my giant. Everyday it is a struggle-an extraordinary struggle. A giant charging at me that I fear and cannot control. Laying here in my bed, I feel the weight pressing on my lungs-making it difficult to breath. My knees and back ache. A constant reminder that my body is suffering from my giant. But today, I choose to take hold of my sling, I have chosen my rock and I choose to fight back. Although I am afraid-This giant will no longer conquer me nor will he defeat me. There will be freedom for me. And in the end I look forward to seeing my giant defeated and the four stones in my hand as if proof of my faithful God- who knows my struggle and loves me anyway and won the battle in spite of my fear.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
The issue of weight
The issue of size is one that is debated in so many circles- it is on the cover of every magazine. The magazines at the store read, "How to lose weight and keep it off", "ten pounds in 10 days", "How she lost 20 pounds"- the list goes on and on. I have often thought about that 10 or 20 pounds that the world is so consumed with losing and I wonder, "what do they think of me?" Really, what do they think of me. I am 150 lbs overweight and no diet for 10 days is gonna change that. It would take a life change of gigantic proportions.
A little Shiney-Blonde-Girl history for you- I have never been thin. Never. I have baby pictures of myself that show me with thick arms and legs reaching for a second helping. So thin is not something that I know anything about. I also grew up in a family of smaller people. My siblings were all normal sizes. In fact, some of them were below weight.
When I was a child our bathroom had mirrored tiles on the wall. I would stand in the bathroom naked and position myself so that my body was directly where two of the mirrored tiles met- causing distortion of the image. The image was cut in half. I went to that mirror every day just staring at what it would be like to look normal.
As I grew my weight did too. I had an older friend across the street who told me that if I wanted to be a little smaller that I should just spit out my food and not swallow it. Some time later she told me that if I threw up some of the food I ate I would be able to lose weight or maintain the weight I had. From then on I would binge and purge daily throughout my teens. I once saw an after school special about bulimia and knew they were talking about me- but it didn't matter- I continued to vomit in an effort to keep my weight off. I told few people of my secret shame but even when they would try to help me it would make me hide it even further.
I do not remember a time I have not been on a diet. And for that matter, I have been on every diet I could find- Jenny Craig, LA weight loss, Weight Watchers, Slim Fast, Metabolite- anything that would make the fat go away. Yet the scale climbed. I have used exercise to manage my weight. Walking on the treadmill until it hit 700 cal and then lifting weights. This was obviously the key to weight loss only then I felt enabled to eat more.
While there are many steryotypes of fat people one being they are all lazy or that they suffer from terrible self-esteem and therefore stuff the pain down with food. There certainly is pain in my life that could result in overeating- no question. I mean how many people fight off the urge to down some ice-cream when they have a bad day. But lazy- I am not. Nor amy I a couch potato and I do not have low self-esteem. I am just fat. The problem is- I love food. Plain and simple. I love to cook, taste, experiment- all of it. I love food. I also love working out, I love going places, keeping a clean house, playing with my kids, dancing and all sorts of other activities.
In today's world, there is no excuse for fat. There is a diet or weight loss guru that can give you all the answers like the biggest loser. A show that I love to watch because it gives me hope. But Jillian Michales is not at my house. Nor is there a personal trainer I have worked with that has given me a loss greater than 35lbs after months of work and starving myself. Being this big is unacceptable for me and for the world I live in. It is not healthy for me nor for my children to see me this way and it is not the way I want to live. I have never wanted this for my life. Yet the weight persists and climbs and my hope of ever being a normal size diminishes.
The simple fact is, I want to do something about it. Something that will work and will free me from the burden that comes with being overweight. As vulnerable as I can be with you. This is not something a 10 day diet will fix. It is life threatening and something has to be done. A life change is what is necessary. This is why I decided to look into bariatric surgery.
About a year and a half ago I told my husband that this was something that I wanted to do for myself and for him. I want to live to see our grandchildren. I want to grow old with my prince charming. Buy a shirt from a normal store. Sit in an airplane seat comfortably. Run up some stairs without losing my breath.
My husband was very apprehensive about the surgery. We went to a bariatric clinic here in Indy. Once we got all of the information from the doctor's he was on board. There was hope for me that one day I will be normal. I want to be clear- I am not looking to be skinny, I just want to be a normal size.
We went through all of the appropriate channels to be approved with the insurance but it was considered an exclusion and there was nothing they could do for us. For a while we gave up on our dream but now it is finally being realized. On July 29th I am having bariatric surgery and I could not be happier. I will post pictures as I begin my journey. There is so much joy when you have hope. Hope for a better life that does not include squeezing into air plane seats or too tight clothes. Praise the Lord for His provision. Freedom is within my reach and I am running for it! My favorite quote will always be from Homer's the Oddessy~ The Journey's the Thing"! This is the start of my journey and I couldn't be more excited!
A little Shiney-Blonde-Girl history for you- I have never been thin. Never. I have baby pictures of myself that show me with thick arms and legs reaching for a second helping. So thin is not something that I know anything about. I also grew up in a family of smaller people. My siblings were all normal sizes. In fact, some of them were below weight.
When I was a child our bathroom had mirrored tiles on the wall. I would stand in the bathroom naked and position myself so that my body was directly where two of the mirrored tiles met- causing distortion of the image. The image was cut in half. I went to that mirror every day just staring at what it would be like to look normal.
As I grew my weight did too. I had an older friend across the street who told me that if I wanted to be a little smaller that I should just spit out my food and not swallow it. Some time later she told me that if I threw up some of the food I ate I would be able to lose weight or maintain the weight I had. From then on I would binge and purge daily throughout my teens. I once saw an after school special about bulimia and knew they were talking about me- but it didn't matter- I continued to vomit in an effort to keep my weight off. I told few people of my secret shame but even when they would try to help me it would make me hide it even further.
I do not remember a time I have not been on a diet. And for that matter, I have been on every diet I could find- Jenny Craig, LA weight loss, Weight Watchers, Slim Fast, Metabolite- anything that would make the fat go away. Yet the scale climbed. I have used exercise to manage my weight. Walking on the treadmill until it hit 700 cal and then lifting weights. This was obviously the key to weight loss only then I felt enabled to eat more.
While there are many steryotypes of fat people one being they are all lazy or that they suffer from terrible self-esteem and therefore stuff the pain down with food. There certainly is pain in my life that could result in overeating- no question. I mean how many people fight off the urge to down some ice-cream when they have a bad day. But lazy- I am not. Nor amy I a couch potato and I do not have low self-esteem. I am just fat. The problem is- I love food. Plain and simple. I love to cook, taste, experiment- all of it. I love food. I also love working out, I love going places, keeping a clean house, playing with my kids, dancing and all sorts of other activities.
In today's world, there is no excuse for fat. There is a diet or weight loss guru that can give you all the answers like the biggest loser. A show that I love to watch because it gives me hope. But Jillian Michales is not at my house. Nor is there a personal trainer I have worked with that has given me a loss greater than 35lbs after months of work and starving myself. Being this big is unacceptable for me and for the world I live in. It is not healthy for me nor for my children to see me this way and it is not the way I want to live. I have never wanted this for my life. Yet the weight persists and climbs and my hope of ever being a normal size diminishes.
The simple fact is, I want to do something about it. Something that will work and will free me from the burden that comes with being overweight. As vulnerable as I can be with you. This is not something a 10 day diet will fix. It is life threatening and something has to be done. A life change is what is necessary. This is why I decided to look into bariatric surgery.
About a year and a half ago I told my husband that this was something that I wanted to do for myself and for him. I want to live to see our grandchildren. I want to grow old with my prince charming. Buy a shirt from a normal store. Sit in an airplane seat comfortably. Run up some stairs without losing my breath.
My husband was very apprehensive about the surgery. We went to a bariatric clinic here in Indy. Once we got all of the information from the doctor's he was on board. There was hope for me that one day I will be normal. I want to be clear- I am not looking to be skinny, I just want to be a normal size.
We went through all of the appropriate channels to be approved with the insurance but it was considered an exclusion and there was nothing they could do for us. For a while we gave up on our dream but now it is finally being realized. On July 29th I am having bariatric surgery and I could not be happier. I will post pictures as I begin my journey. There is so much joy when you have hope. Hope for a better life that does not include squeezing into air plane seats or too tight clothes. Praise the Lord for His provision. Freedom is within my reach and I am running for it! My favorite quote will always be from Homer's the Oddessy~ The Journey's the Thing"! This is the start of my journey and I couldn't be more excited!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Spanish Lessons
So yesterday I wrote about the new addition of Spanish to our homeshooling. It is amazing how quickly I am remembering my High School Spanish teachers lessons. "Clase, por favor, repita este" It has come full circle for me. I got out my Spanish book and started to study! And I have to say it is really exciting. Today we went from math in English to math in Spanish! I was thinking this is exactly right. When I taught my daughters to speak- I used picture books and pointed to items and told them the proper names for each item. That is exactly what is going on here. We use a lot of flash cards for numbers, letters, small words- etc. I have been going over them in English and then again in Spanish. It is a simple way to do vocabulary in both languages. Pretty cool!! I found a free Spanish (for kids) website http://www.123teachme.com that has the game memory for colors, numbers, letters etc... in Spanish! My daughter went crazy with it this morning. Now my two year old is trying too! It is something else to see your four year old reciting numbers and letters in two different languages! What a blessing! I am not looking forward to the grammer aspect of Spanish as that is where the greatest struggle was for me but I think my husband will be a great help with this. He loves rules of the written word. So glad I married a smarty pants!! Hasta pronto, mi amigos!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Homeschooling Momma!
So my next door neighbors do not speak English. This has made neighborly relations difficult as there is this huge communication barrier. Russ and I have each had plenty of Spanish classes between high school and college but cannot form a sentence beyond "How are you" or "Where is the bathroom". So a few weeks ago my oldest daughter told me that she was interested in saying a few words in Spanish. Sure! No problem. We started out with the small sentences that I knew. Now she wants to know the alphabet and the colors. Suddenly, I am teaching Spanish. It is amazing how that happened. Something I love about Homeschooling is that we can run with anything my girls are interested in. I am clearly stretched by all this but I am kind of enjoying it. We actually had a small conversation with my Spanish-speaking neighbor a couple of days ago. How cool is that!!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Homeschooling History Lessons
This morning it was raining and kind of yucky out. A friend had offered to take the girls and I to a play date at our church. Unfortunatly, her son was sick and so she called an canceled. My children we really excited about getting out of the house, so I hung my head and shared the bad news. There was some mild wailing and nashing of teeth but eventually they came around. I decided to do something different with homeschool beyond the standard ABC's 123's to keep everyone interested. Russ and I are taking several road trips this year and have decided to use each trip as a homeschooling opportunity. This is as good a time as ever to start learning-so off we went.
I decided to talk about our very own state of Indiana. I found some coloring pages on www.crayloa.com that were very helpful. That got the girls interested. The page had the state bird, flower, flag, and capital on it. While my daughter colored the flag I searched the internet for information about the flag. This is what I found out. The state of Indiana was founded in 1816 the flag was not accepted until 1917. There are 19 stars on the flag representing the 19 states that were part of the Union at the time Indiana was accepted as a state. The first 13 stars on the flag represent the 13 colonies, the 5 stars represent the next 5 entered into the Union and the last star represents the new state of Indiana the 19th state of the United States of America! The tourch represents Liberty and Enlightenment. All very facinating. I grew up in Illinois and was taught all about that flag when I was in 4th grade. I only remember small snipits of that information- so this has been oodles of fun for me. The state bird is a cardinal. THis is also true for my old home in Illinois as well as Kentucky, North Carolina, Ohio, and West Virginia. Who knew!! I also taught them to sing Back Home Again in Indiana. I learned this song (not out of devotion to our lovely state) but instead as a show song for the Sweet Adleines when I was in college. So glad I did! I am excited to start study on the next state! We are heading to Chicago for a wedding in a couple of weeks so I think the next state to study will be Illinois~ good to share my roots with my kiddies!
Homeschooling can be so difficult sometimes and then there are days like this that give me such hope and encouragement. I am so glad that I stuck through the difficult times!
I decided to talk about our very own state of Indiana. I found some coloring pages on www.crayloa.com that were very helpful. That got the girls interested. The page had the state bird, flower, flag, and capital on it. While my daughter colored the flag I searched the internet for information about the flag. This is what I found out. The state of Indiana was founded in 1816 the flag was not accepted until 1917. There are 19 stars on the flag representing the 19 states that were part of the Union at the time Indiana was accepted as a state. The first 13 stars on the flag represent the 13 colonies, the 5 stars represent the next 5 entered into the Union and the last star represents the new state of Indiana the 19th state of the United States of America! The tourch represents Liberty and Enlightenment. All very facinating. I grew up in Illinois and was taught all about that flag when I was in 4th grade. I only remember small snipits of that information- so this has been oodles of fun for me. The state bird is a cardinal. THis is also true for my old home in Illinois as well as Kentucky, North Carolina, Ohio, and West Virginia. Who knew!! I also taught them to sing Back Home Again in Indiana. I learned this song (not out of devotion to our lovely state) but instead as a show song for the Sweet Adleines when I was in college. So glad I did! I am excited to start study on the next state! We are heading to Chicago for a wedding in a couple of weeks so I think the next state to study will be Illinois~ good to share my roots with my kiddies!
Homeschooling can be so difficult sometimes and then there are days like this that give me such hope and encouragement. I am so glad that I stuck through the difficult times!
Friday, March 12, 2010
Satisfied
I was watching the Time Traveler's Wife. Not an extraordinary movie by any stretch of the imagination but I did glean something. The family in the movie has been separated over the course of their relationship because the husband is a time-traveler. This is of course painful for the family that is left waiting for him as he travels time. The wife is looking for some sort of normal existence and you really want it for her too. She finds out she is pregnant and then loses the baby. This happens again and they allude to the idea that she has lost several babies. Finally the husband gets a vasectomy but he time-travels as a younger man and they again meet up. They come together and she becomes pregnant. This baby survives and they are more than happy as a family only to discover his time is limited and their dreams of normalcy are not possible. They have to be satisfied with the life they are given.
This really spoke to me. These people, while of course fictional, were able to be satisfied with a life that was far less than desirable and the circumstances were beyond their control. This is the description of my life-I am living in circumstances that are beyond my control. It is beyond my control to have another baby. This has been the one thought that has plagued my mind for years- why me? Why do I have to have this struggle- why is it so hard for me? Words that scream selfishness. I have known people who have no children and may never have any-their pain is real and yet I think of my self. I have been blessed with two children. Two children that make me laugh every day and bring unspeakable joy to our home and yet I long for more. There is no satiating the longing in my heart for a large family. But how many times can God bless me before I will just be satisfied? How much is enough?
As I watched this mind-numbing movie I was struck by the idea that satisfaction is a choice we have to make. Choosing to remember that God is good and my daughters are enough for me! I can be satisfied with God's will for our family because it is good and it is right. I will choose not to struggle for something that is not His will. A long time ago, I learned this simple little song taken from the Psalms. Its words have lingered in my heart. This song has sort of been romancing me to the Lord over and over.
"God you are my God. Earnestly, I'll seek Your face. I will lift You high. I will lift You high. I will lift Your name on high. How I thirst for You. Every day I thirst for You. I will lift You high. I will lift You high. I will lift Your name on High. I have seen you in the sanctuary. I have seen Your power and I have seen Your glory. I am satisfied by You. I am satisfied by You."
Today, I thought about the words and wondered how many times in my life I have been satisfied with an answer that God gave me. I don't remember any. I am unsatisfied and unhappy with the word no. So I have fought for my own way. Striving to get what I want no matter the cost. But now I have to choose to be satisfied. Choose to accept that God knows my story better than I do and His choice for my life is good and it is right. It is not easy.
This really spoke to me. These people, while of course fictional, were able to be satisfied with a life that was far less than desirable and the circumstances were beyond their control. This is the description of my life-I am living in circumstances that are beyond my control. It is beyond my control to have another baby. This has been the one thought that has plagued my mind for years- why me? Why do I have to have this struggle- why is it so hard for me? Words that scream selfishness. I have known people who have no children and may never have any-their pain is real and yet I think of my self. I have been blessed with two children. Two children that make me laugh every day and bring unspeakable joy to our home and yet I long for more. There is no satiating the longing in my heart for a large family. But how many times can God bless me before I will just be satisfied? How much is enough?
As I watched this mind-numbing movie I was struck by the idea that satisfaction is a choice we have to make. Choosing to remember that God is good and my daughters are enough for me! I can be satisfied with God's will for our family because it is good and it is right. I will choose not to struggle for something that is not His will. A long time ago, I learned this simple little song taken from the Psalms. Its words have lingered in my heart. This song has sort of been romancing me to the Lord over and over.
"God you are my God. Earnestly, I'll seek Your face. I will lift You high. I will lift You high. I will lift Your name on high. How I thirst for You. Every day I thirst for You. I will lift You high. I will lift You high. I will lift Your name on High. I have seen you in the sanctuary. I have seen Your power and I have seen Your glory. I am satisfied by You. I am satisfied by You."
Today, I thought about the words and wondered how many times in my life I have been satisfied with an answer that God gave me. I don't remember any. I am unsatisfied and unhappy with the word no. So I have fought for my own way. Striving to get what I want no matter the cost. But now I have to choose to be satisfied. Choose to accept that God knows my story better than I do and His choice for my life is good and it is right. It is not easy.
Friday, March 5, 2010
MOPS MOM
I was introduced to MOPS or Mother's Of Pre-Schoolers just after Maddie was born. I was on maternity leave for 12 weeks and it just happened to coinside with the beginning of MOPS that year. So wonderful! I was a little bit of a mess and totally over-protective of the-most-wonderful-child-in-the-history-of-the-world!!! Funny how our perspectives change with time and more children.
For me, MOPS was a breath of fresh air, and I have been a part of it ever since I became a SAHM. I can honestly say that my mothering skills have been influenced by the amazing group of moms that I now call friends. Some are now even the closest friends I have ever had. It is amazing to me the support and strenth you can get from someone who has been in the exact same position that you are in.
While no group of people is perfect, I am more than greatful for these wonderful mommies. Lately, I have been seeing signs that my days as a MOPS mom are coming to an end. I will be writing about our decision regarding our fertility issues in a different post so I won't bore you but it appears we are finished having children and therefore I will no longer be a MOPS Mom. In the last few months I have noticed there a whole new swarm of young motherscoming to MOPS-each Momma going through the same issues that I once had-just trying to keep their heads above water. But now I am the seasoned mom (one of the oldest in our group). When did that happen? Such a strange feeling-it sort of reminded me of high school. I am now in my senior year of MOPS. For instance, I can't believe I am done with diapers completely- it seem like yesterday I was learning to fold over the top of a newborn diaper to accomodate the umbilical cord. How quickly it goes.
The next stage of our lives is moving into focus. Now there is more talk about reading and math than bodily functions. I just wonder where I fit into this next stage. Where will I put my focus now? For so long my world was engaged in nothing but breastfeeding, slings, bottles, diapers, pacies, pac-n-plays, strollers, crawling, walking, biting, potty training and all the various issues you deal with when you have babies and toddlers. Sadly, that time is now over for me and it is bittersweet. No question- I will miss MOPS- but the new adventure is on the horizon though and I am anxious for it to begin.
For me, MOPS was a breath of fresh air, and I have been a part of it ever since I became a SAHM. I can honestly say that my mothering skills have been influenced by the amazing group of moms that I now call friends. Some are now even the closest friends I have ever had. It is amazing to me the support and strenth you can get from someone who has been in the exact same position that you are in.
While no group of people is perfect, I am more than greatful for these wonderful mommies. Lately, I have been seeing signs that my days as a MOPS mom are coming to an end. I will be writing about our decision regarding our fertility issues in a different post so I won't bore you but it appears we are finished having children and therefore I will no longer be a MOPS Mom. In the last few months I have noticed there a whole new swarm of young motherscoming to MOPS-each Momma going through the same issues that I once had-just trying to keep their heads above water. But now I am the seasoned mom (one of the oldest in our group). When did that happen? Such a strange feeling-it sort of reminded me of high school. I am now in my senior year of MOPS. For instance, I can't believe I am done with diapers completely- it seem like yesterday I was learning to fold over the top of a newborn diaper to accomodate the umbilical cord. How quickly it goes.
The next stage of our lives is moving into focus. Now there is more talk about reading and math than bodily functions. I just wonder where I fit into this next stage. Where will I put my focus now? For so long my world was engaged in nothing but breastfeeding, slings, bottles, diapers, pacies, pac-n-plays, strollers, crawling, walking, biting, potty training and all the various issues you deal with when you have babies and toddlers. Sadly, that time is now over for me and it is bittersweet. No question- I will miss MOPS- but the new adventure is on the horizon though and I am anxious for it to begin.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Mad Cooking Skills
Since this blog is a reflection of me- I thought that I would share some of my most successful recipes that are not only easy but they are equally delicious. I am not a chef but any stretch of the imagination. I just love to cook. If you have any suggestions or recipes that you want me to try- please send them my way!
Here are my favorite Chops!
First thing I do is to get the broiler screaming hot while I prep everything else. Then I wrap my broiler pan with foil. Please notice that my broiler pan has been loved on a lot!! My husband saw this picture and got embarassed that it looked so dirty. That didn't embarass me at all. It is seasoned from all the use! :) I have gotten pretty savvy with the broiler pan and use it often. Here is a hint...don't forget to use foil!! It makes clean-up much easier!!
Here are my chops. I usually buy a large pork loin from Sam's Club and cut it into chops or a roast. This is the most economical way for me. Usually a huge pork loin is $16 dollars. It allows me to cut my chops as thick as I like! I leave some of the fat on them for flavor and then remove it before we eat. Lightly coat the chops in olive oil on both sides.
Next season the chops. I prefer McCormicks Roasting Rub (they have several different varieties and they are all delicious. I just tastes and smells really good. If I don't have any I just throw some spices together that I like: garlic, parsley, onion, green onion, cumin etc. whatever sounds good to me that day. If you don't know spices that well- use a purchased rub. So yummy!
Once seasoned, put the chops under the broiler for six minutes per side (depending on the thickness. Bring them to 160 degrees. Then take them out of the oven and let them rest for 10 minutes. They will increase in temp. as they rest. I use an electric meat thermoneter that can stay in the oven and has an alarm (seriously helpful!!). Here they are right out of the oven!
This is not a really good picture but you can get an idea about the meal. Today, I paired this with steamed green beans (I like them crisp-tender)and baked potatoes. Yummy!
Here are my favorite Chops!
First thing I do is to get the broiler screaming hot while I prep everything else. Then I wrap my broiler pan with foil. Please notice that my broiler pan has been loved on a lot!! My husband saw this picture and got embarassed that it looked so dirty. That didn't embarass me at all. It is seasoned from all the use! :) I have gotten pretty savvy with the broiler pan and use it often. Here is a hint...don't forget to use foil!! It makes clean-up much easier!!
Here are my chops. I usually buy a large pork loin from Sam's Club and cut it into chops or a roast. This is the most economical way for me. Usually a huge pork loin is $16 dollars. It allows me to cut my chops as thick as I like! I leave some of the fat on them for flavor and then remove it before we eat. Lightly coat the chops in olive oil on both sides.
Next season the chops. I prefer McCormicks Roasting Rub (they have several different varieties and they are all delicious. I just tastes and smells really good. If I don't have any I just throw some spices together that I like: garlic, parsley, onion, green onion, cumin etc. whatever sounds good to me that day. If you don't know spices that well- use a purchased rub. So yummy!
Once seasoned, put the chops under the broiler for six minutes per side (depending on the thickness. Bring them to 160 degrees. Then take them out of the oven and let them rest for 10 minutes. They will increase in temp. as they rest. I use an electric meat thermoneter that can stay in the oven and has an alarm (seriously helpful!!). Here they are right out of the oven!
This is not a really good picture but you can get an idea about the meal. Today, I paired this with steamed green beans (I like them crisp-tender)and baked potatoes. Yummy!
Monday, March 1, 2010
Great Is Thy Faithfullness
When my husband and I were married I insisted that the song "Great is Thy Faithfullness" be the song I came down the isle to. This song is significant to me for a variety of reasons. There were many years when I was faithless to God. My heart was in direct disobedience to the Lord I loved and like Jonah, I tried (in vain)to hide from His lovely face. That time of my life, so full of sin, makes me grimace when I think of it. Painful memories that sting and burn from the shame. One day, the Lord pulled at me as He had done so many times before and finally I submitted to Him. Through all of that, God had remained faithful to me- just as He had promised (Deut31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you). A constant shelter in the storm of sin I had created.
Recently, I have been going through a pretty significant storm. This storm is different because in this storm my reaction is not to run from God but to trust Him. I have suffered with infertility issues for all of my adult life. My oldest daughter was conceived not during the throws of maritial passion but in a doctor's office which was as sterile an environment as you can imagine. Nothing romantic there. It was the end of a very long two years of doctor's appointments, prescriptions,painful tests, so many negative pregnancy tests(I can't even count them all) and many many tears. Then with a new doctor and a new therapy there was finally hope. Within the first month and by the grace of God finally a new life was formed. My second daughter came as a completely wonderful suprise. I was just feeling tired one day- lo and behold I was pregnant.
A couple of years ago, my husband I decided that it was time to try for our last baby. We had always dreamed of having four children but time has been ticking and the closer 40 seems the less likely that dream will be realized. In the last three months we have been again seeing the fertility doctor for one last shot at having a baby. The first month we did not have any folicles or eggs that were viable for fertilization, the second month there was one egg that was a good size but unfortunately, it did not fertilize. The doctor had warned me that after three unsuccessful cycles, they would likely have to try another type of therapy. On Saturday morning we had an ultrasound and it showed only one folicle and it was slightly too small to fertilize. The nurse told me that it would not be possible to get pregnant this month and that we would have to look into different trying a different therapy. In other words- we would have to do shot therapy. The shots for this therapy are very expensive and our insurance covers $0 for fertility. This was what my husband and I finally decided meant the end. Maybe it is just not the Lord's will for us to have anymore children. I communicated this to the nurse and really I felt at peace with it. I mean, God knows me better than I will ever know myself and His will is perfect. I was really ready to submit to Him and I was ready to accept this as His answer. The nurse was so sweet and said that she understood and that she would call me on Monday after she had spoken to the doctor. She also said not to get too discouraged, that eggs this size can sometimes suprise you and mature later in your cycle. She encouraged me to get an ovulation kit and see if the egg did mature and that I had an LH surge. I did just that and this morning, I had an LH surge which means it is possbile for me to get pregnant. I don't know if the egg will fertilize or if this will be a successful pregnancy (I have had several miscarriages) but what I do know is God is faithful and when we trust in Him- He is faithful to us (no matter what His answer is). God is Greater than infertility even if it means that I won't have anymore babies. I will trust Him for Great is His Faithfullness.
Psalm 18:2
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Recently, I have been going through a pretty significant storm. This storm is different because in this storm my reaction is not to run from God but to trust Him. I have suffered with infertility issues for all of my adult life. My oldest daughter was conceived not during the throws of maritial passion but in a doctor's office which was as sterile an environment as you can imagine. Nothing romantic there. It was the end of a very long two years of doctor's appointments, prescriptions,painful tests, so many negative pregnancy tests(I can't even count them all) and many many tears. Then with a new doctor and a new therapy there was finally hope. Within the first month and by the grace of God finally a new life was formed. My second daughter came as a completely wonderful suprise. I was just feeling tired one day- lo and behold I was pregnant.
A couple of years ago, my husband I decided that it was time to try for our last baby. We had always dreamed of having four children but time has been ticking and the closer 40 seems the less likely that dream will be realized. In the last three months we have been again seeing the fertility doctor for one last shot at having a baby. The first month we did not have any folicles or eggs that were viable for fertilization, the second month there was one egg that was a good size but unfortunately, it did not fertilize. The doctor had warned me that after three unsuccessful cycles, they would likely have to try another type of therapy. On Saturday morning we had an ultrasound and it showed only one folicle and it was slightly too small to fertilize. The nurse told me that it would not be possible to get pregnant this month and that we would have to look into different trying a different therapy. In other words- we would have to do shot therapy. The shots for this therapy are very expensive and our insurance covers $0 for fertility. This was what my husband and I finally decided meant the end. Maybe it is just not the Lord's will for us to have anymore children. I communicated this to the nurse and really I felt at peace with it. I mean, God knows me better than I will ever know myself and His will is perfect. I was really ready to submit to Him and I was ready to accept this as His answer. The nurse was so sweet and said that she understood and that she would call me on Monday after she had spoken to the doctor. She also said not to get too discouraged, that eggs this size can sometimes suprise you and mature later in your cycle. She encouraged me to get an ovulation kit and see if the egg did mature and that I had an LH surge. I did just that and this morning, I had an LH surge which means it is possbile for me to get pregnant. I don't know if the egg will fertilize or if this will be a successful pregnancy (I have had several miscarriages) but what I do know is God is faithful and when we trust in Him- He is faithful to us (no matter what His answer is). God is Greater than infertility even if it means that I won't have anymore babies. I will trust Him for Great is His Faithfullness.
Psalm 18:2
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
The Death of a Vision
I went to the Bill Gothard Seminar when I was in college. Much of what I learned in that seminar has resonated in my life. One principle lesson I learned was call a death of a vision. Basically it means that you have an idea and you are excited about it and cannot wait to see it come to pass and all too suddenly God says no to this idea or thing and the vision is dead. When this happens we will sometimes try to get the paddles out and revive the vision by our own means. Or sometimes we will wallow in the loss or we can accept that it was in fact a loss, mourn it and then look toward God for the birth of a new vision. Dealing with the death of a vision is just like dealing with death in general.
I once took a class on death and dying and I learned that most people who are grieving go through the same stages. There was a diagram for the stages of grieving called the Kübler-Ross model taken from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross book (1969), On Death and Dying. The five stages are thus: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance. Bill Gothard explained that a death of a vision is very similar and that we will often go through the same stages as we mourn our losses- no matter how small they are.
I have several friends that are dealing with such losses right now. Losses that are deep and so painful that it hurts to watch them go through it. Ironically, I can see that they are going through the stages of grief and loss. One friend lost their career and cannot seem to cope. I want to yell at her and tell her to jump back on the horse again. But that will not work. She has to come to terms with her loss in her own time. I have another friend who is going through a terrible divorce. His life will never be the same nor will his vision for his life. These are just examples of the heartbreak that my friends are suffering. But the good news is- we serve a good God, one who is powerful and bigger than any of these losses. At the time we are dealing with the loss it seems that we are all alone in the hurt- but we are not. God in His infinate wisdom knows our situation, knows the purpose for it and knows when and how our world will look when it is over. He holds all the pices of this puzzle and will willingly put it back together. We just need to ask, to trust and to obey Him.
I once took a class on death and dying and I learned that most people who are grieving go through the same stages. There was a diagram for the stages of grieving called the Kübler-Ross model taken from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross book (1969), On Death and Dying. The five stages are thus: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance. Bill Gothard explained that a death of a vision is very similar and that we will often go through the same stages as we mourn our losses- no matter how small they are.
I have several friends that are dealing with such losses right now. Losses that are deep and so painful that it hurts to watch them go through it. Ironically, I can see that they are going through the stages of grief and loss. One friend lost their career and cannot seem to cope. I want to yell at her and tell her to jump back on the horse again. But that will not work. She has to come to terms with her loss in her own time. I have another friend who is going through a terrible divorce. His life will never be the same nor will his vision for his life. These are just examples of the heartbreak that my friends are suffering. But the good news is- we serve a good God, one who is powerful and bigger than any of these losses. At the time we are dealing with the loss it seems that we are all alone in the hurt- but we are not. God in His infinate wisdom knows our situation, knows the purpose for it and knows when and how our world will look when it is over. He holds all the pices of this puzzle and will willingly put it back together. We just need to ask, to trust and to obey Him.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Homemade Soap
So a bunch of my friends started making homemade laundry soap. The recipe was found on the website for the Duggard Family. Well, there has been so much talk about this laundry soap- I thought that I would give it a try. Several of my friends wanted to try it but were afraid that they would mess it up. I made it four different times in three days! It was so easy and smelled so good- I wondered why I waited so long to try it.
The recipe makes about 10 gallons in the end and cost about $3 to make. I will update as soon as I have given it just use. Here is the recipe:
Homemade Liquid Laundry Soap- Front or top load machine- best value
4 Cups - really hot tap water
1 Fels-Naptha soap bar
1 Cup - Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda*
½ Cup Borax
- Grate bar of soap and add to saucepan with the hot water. Stir continually over medium-low heat until soap dissolves and is melted. It will suds up slightly.
-Fill a 5 gallon bucket half full of hot tap water. Add melted soap, washing soda and Borax. Stir well until all powder is dissolved. Fill bucket to top with more hot water. Stir, cover and let sit overnight to thicken.
-Stir and fill a used, clean, laundry soap dispenser half full with soap and then fill rest of way with water. Shake before each use. (will gel)
-Optional: You can add 10-15 drops of essential oil per 2 gallons. Add once soap has cooled. Ideas: lavender, rosemary, tea tree oil.
-Yield: Liquid soap recipe makes 10 gallons.
-Top Load Machine- 5/8 Cup per load (Approx. 180 loads)
-Front Load Machines- ¼ Cup per load (Approx. 640 loads)
*Arm & Hammer "Super Washing Soda" - in some stores or may be purchased online here (at Meijer.com). Baking Soda will not work, nor will Arm & Hammer Detergent - It must be sodium carbonate!!
The recipe makes about 10 gallons in the end and cost about $3 to make. I will update as soon as I have given it just use. Here is the recipe:
Homemade Liquid Laundry Soap- Front or top load machine- best value
4 Cups - really hot tap water
1 Fels-Naptha soap bar
1 Cup - Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda*
½ Cup Borax
- Grate bar of soap and add to saucepan with the hot water. Stir continually over medium-low heat until soap dissolves and is melted. It will suds up slightly.
-Fill a 5 gallon bucket half full of hot tap water. Add melted soap, washing soda and Borax. Stir well until all powder is dissolved. Fill bucket to top with more hot water. Stir, cover and let sit overnight to thicken.
-Stir and fill a used, clean, laundry soap dispenser half full with soap and then fill rest of way with water. Shake before each use. (will gel)
-Optional: You can add 10-15 drops of essential oil per 2 gallons. Add once soap has cooled. Ideas: lavender, rosemary, tea tree oil.
-Yield: Liquid soap recipe makes 10 gallons.
-Top Load Machine- 5/8 Cup per load (Approx. 180 loads)
-Front Load Machines- ¼ Cup per load (Approx. 640 loads)
*Arm & Hammer "Super Washing Soda" - in some stores or may be purchased online here (at Meijer.com). Baking Soda will not work, nor will Arm & Hammer Detergent - It must be sodium carbonate!!
Friday, February 19, 2010
the beauty of love
It's funny what you see in your children. Tiny pices of you, tiny pices of your husband, tiny pices of themselves. So beautiful. My youngest daughter Sydney has my husband's eyes. They are blue like mine but the shape and set are all Russ. Sometimes I look at her and smile as I see his eyes. A tiny pice of the man I love so much. A reminder of how good God really is. Syd in every other way looks like me but what I always seem to notice is her eyes and I am glad. She is our little sprite. Mischevious, sweet, loving, funny, beautiful, a real stinker. She is the child that tests me the most but I don't think it is in malice, it's in fun. She just loves to have fun and I just love that about her. What a blessing Sydney is to our family and to our life. I am grateful for her and for her enthusiam for life.
We have a new cat here named Linus. Sydney loves Linus-Linus however does not care for Sydney. Syd chases him, hugs him too tightly, tries to pick him up, drags him, tries to dress him in doll clothes...etc. The girl will not leave that poor animal alone. It is so sweet to see. No matter how badly he scratches or even bites her- she refuses to let him go. She just wants him to love her and play with her.
Lately, I have had to start really disciplining Sydney. I think because she is my baby, I didn't want to do it. I avoided it. This unfortunately, gave her some nasty habits that were just not acceptable. Earlier today I had to discipline her for saying unkind words. Afterward, she was cryinig and holding on to me so tight. I told her that I loved her and she looked up at me and said, "that kind words". I smile even thinking about it. She understood. She got it.
My daughters daily impress me with their love. Even in discipline, they still want to be held and reassured that they are loved and that they love in return. I am so grateful to God that He has shown me His incredible love through my children. There is no sin so great that I will not forgive them. I will love them even when they stumble and even when they sway from the truth. I will know that the Lord I love will bring them home again- Just like He did for me. There is such beauty in love.
We have a new cat here named Linus. Sydney loves Linus-Linus however does not care for Sydney. Syd chases him, hugs him too tightly, tries to pick him up, drags him, tries to dress him in doll clothes...etc. The girl will not leave that poor animal alone. It is so sweet to see. No matter how badly he scratches or even bites her- she refuses to let him go. She just wants him to love her and play with her.
Lately, I have had to start really disciplining Sydney. I think because she is my baby, I didn't want to do it. I avoided it. This unfortunately, gave her some nasty habits that were just not acceptable. Earlier today I had to discipline her for saying unkind words. Afterward, she was cryinig and holding on to me so tight. I told her that I loved her and she looked up at me and said, "that kind words". I smile even thinking about it. She understood. She got it.
My daughters daily impress me with their love. Even in discipline, they still want to be held and reassured that they are loved and that they love in return. I am so grateful to God that He has shown me His incredible love through my children. There is no sin so great that I will not forgive them. I will love them even when they stumble and even when they sway from the truth. I will know that the Lord I love will bring them home again- Just like He did for me. There is such beauty in love.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Adding Pictures
All of a sudden- I am having a great time with my blog. How much fun to see my kids pictures right here on my blog. It made it feel more real. Whatever...It has been fun. My sister has kept a blog for a really long time. Her hobby is to take pictures and she is really good at it. I am an unfortunate picture-taker...I cut everyone's head's off. I am generally not creative at least in a crafty way. One thing that I really get into is pampering myself. No joke- I really get into it! Our last MOPS meeting, I showed all of my friends some fun home-spa stuff that I actually use!! So here are some of Erika's homemade Spa recipies that I really do use! Try them out if you like!!
Sugar Wax
1.Combine 2c. sugar, 1c. water and 1c.fresh-lime juice in a saucepan. Simmer (about 15 min.) over low heat being sure to stir while the sugar dissolves completely. It will look thick like maple syrup. Allow the wax to cool to where it is warm to the touch. Be careful not to burn your skin. You will need to work fast as it cools quickly.
2.Using a knife or a spatula apply a thin layer (like a strip) of the wax on your clean/dry patch of hairy skin. The wax should go in the direction of the hair growth. Be careful not to apply too much wax as it will not be effective in hair removal.
3.Work quickly! Cover the strip of wax with a strip of material made of cotton. I prefer to use cut up old jeans or denim (you can wash and re-use these later). Rub the patch vigorously and then quickly pull the strip off in the opposite direction of the hair growth. Repeat.
4.Warning: this is not for the faint of heart! It does hurt but the results are fabulous! If you are brave- I say go for it!!
5.You can store your extra sugar wax for some time! Keep it in the refrigerator, and reheat it in your microwave the next time you want to use it!
Oatmeal Bath
This can be used to soothe sun-burnt skin. I use it every summer, it’s cheap and it works great!
Put 1c. quick oats into a food processor and pulse until it becomes a fine powder. Sprinkle into your running bath. Stir bath until all clumps are gone. Soak for 15 minutes to relieve skin. Repeat when necessary.
Sugar Wax
1.Combine 2c. sugar, 1c. water and 1c.fresh-lime juice in a saucepan. Simmer (about 15 min.) over low heat being sure to stir while the sugar dissolves completely. It will look thick like maple syrup. Allow the wax to cool to where it is warm to the touch. Be careful not to burn your skin. You will need to work fast as it cools quickly.
2.Using a knife or a spatula apply a thin layer (like a strip) of the wax on your clean/dry patch of hairy skin. The wax should go in the direction of the hair growth. Be careful not to apply too much wax as it will not be effective in hair removal.
3.Work quickly! Cover the strip of wax with a strip of material made of cotton. I prefer to use cut up old jeans or denim (you can wash and re-use these later). Rub the patch vigorously and then quickly pull the strip off in the opposite direction of the hair growth. Repeat.
4.Warning: this is not for the faint of heart! It does hurt but the results are fabulous! If you are brave- I say go for it!!
5.You can store your extra sugar wax for some time! Keep it in the refrigerator, and reheat it in your microwave the next time you want to use it!
Oatmeal Bath
This can be used to soothe sun-burnt skin. I use it every summer, it’s cheap and it works great!
Put 1c. quick oats into a food processor and pulse until it becomes a fine powder. Sprinkle into your running bath. Stir bath until all clumps are gone. Soak for 15 minutes to relieve skin. Repeat when necessary.
Blog Neglect
I haven't been very faithful to my blog. I question if I am actually a blogger or just a poser... ha. Well, I will say that being a mother of two pre-schoolers makes it complicated to even have a minute to sit down at the computer to write an email let alone a blog post. That is probably true of most of my friends as well. I used to be really faithful to a journal. I actually kept them all starting from when I first moved to Indiana in 1989. WOW- can it have been over 20 years that I have lived here! That is amazing. I still don't identify myself as a Hoosier. That makes me laugh just typing it. Fortunately, I don't think many Hoosiers think of me that way either!! ha! My Chicago accent long ago dissappeared along with the 6 inch bangs I used to wear with as much hair spray I could manage...and the acid washed jeans.
My heart however is stuck somewhere in the middle of Chicago and an Indiana Cornfield. Both places have significant purpose in who God has created me to be. It is funny where you wind up in life. What you become. I look at my children and see so much hope for their futures- so many possibilities. What will they be someday? Will they look on their childhoods and long for something different? I am sure they will, just as I do. I wish it could have been like this... Instead of appreciating the good...we always long.
What I do know is this time is passing on much too quickly. The days are short and the girls grow taller in their sleep. I love being present with them through these most important years.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Pain and Recovery
Lately, I have been doing a lot of self-reflection. How it started is so funny but I believe that God works in our lives in mysterious ways. I started watching a reality show that was based on addiction and recovery. I don't know why it interested me so much but my reaction to each show was amazing. Crying each time. So frustrating and really painful. At first I thought it was empathy for the patients. Then I realized that I was crying about my own pain. My own pain, that I have been pushing down for most of my life. When I was a child, there was abuse. Abuse that was so terrible and the shame so deep, that I don't want people to know that was my life. Why hide it? I'm not sure. I guess that I am afraid to admit that I was so weak. Someone on the show said that you are only as sick as your secrets. How true it is. I feel so sick inside sometimes but brave a smile. The problem is, it doesn't matter how big your smile is- the pain is still there and it will eventually come out and not in a constructive and helpful way.
With this in mind, I think that much of the abuse I endured as a child was often a catlyst for so many things in my life. Maybe a gateway to sin. I guess that I often felt that the abuse was in effect my own fault and that if I had been perhaps stronger- it might not have happened. From watching this show (that just made me snicker) I learned that when a child is abused- it is not their fault. That still does not help me deal with it. So how do people deal with pasts so full of shame and pain. I am pretty certain that it has to do wholly with forgiveness. I am not sure how to go about the forgiving- I mean where do I even start? I don't want to dwell in mire of anger or saddness too long lest it consume me. But hasn't it done just that?
With this in mind, I think that much of the abuse I endured as a child was often a catlyst for so many things in my life. Maybe a gateway to sin. I guess that I often felt that the abuse was in effect my own fault and that if I had been perhaps stronger- it might not have happened. From watching this show (that just made me snicker) I learned that when a child is abused- it is not their fault. That still does not help me deal with it. So how do people deal with pasts so full of shame and pain. I am pretty certain that it has to do wholly with forgiveness. I am not sure how to go about the forgiving- I mean where do I even start? I don't want to dwell in mire of anger or saddness too long lest it consume me. But hasn't it done just that?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)