Lately, I have been doing a lot of self-reflection. How it started is so funny but I believe that God works in our lives in mysterious ways. I started watching a reality show that was based on addiction and recovery. I don't know why it interested me so much but my reaction to each show was amazing. Crying each time. So frustrating and really painful. At first I thought it was empathy for the patients. Then I realized that I was crying about my own pain. My own pain, that I have been pushing down for most of my life. When I was a child, there was abuse. Abuse that was so terrible and the shame so deep, that I don't want people to know that was my life. Why hide it? I'm not sure. I guess that I am afraid to admit that I was so weak. Someone on the show said that you are only as sick as your secrets. How true it is. I feel so sick inside sometimes but brave a smile. The problem is, it doesn't matter how big your smile is- the pain is still there and it will eventually come out and not in a constructive and helpful way.
With this in mind, I think that much of the abuse I endured as a child was often a catlyst for so many things in my life. Maybe a gateway to sin. I guess that I often felt that the abuse was in effect my own fault and that if I had been perhaps stronger- it might not have happened. From watching this show (that just made me snicker) I learned that when a child is abused- it is not their fault. That still does not help me deal with it. So how do people deal with pasts so full of shame and pain. I am pretty certain that it has to do wholly with forgiveness. I am not sure how to go about the forgiving- I mean where do I even start? I don't want to dwell in mire of anger or saddness too long lest it consume me. But hasn't it done just that?
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