Ever have a recurring dream? You know the one that haunts you. Sometimes you fear sleep because it might show up again and you have no control over it?
When I am not fighting with insomnia and am able to sleep- I dream a lot. Mostly dreams where I am terribly frustrated or where I am trying to accomplish too much in too small a time. I'm a mother of three pre-teen girls...that is what I do! But recently, I have been experiencing this really annoying recurring dream that I have been fighting with since I was a child. It is so annoying that insomnia seems like a far better annoyance to deal with. I never thought I would prefer insomnia to anything.
It always begins with me sitting in my childhood bed. I am trying to straighten the covers. My parents enter my dream and stand at the end of my bed. This is sort of strange because they have been divorced since I was three and my dad is now deceased. They are fighting about whatever is worrying me. The more they argue- the messier my covers become. The more I pull at the covers, the louder they fight and the bed gets in complete shambles.
Sometimes the dream shifts and I find myself in a cave or tunnel that I cannot free myself from. Like a giant slinky that gradually becomes smaller and smaller until I find I cannot move or breath. This is when the panic starts to set in.
The end of the dream always turns to water. I am an excellent swimmer and so the idea of drowning seems absurd. Even in my dream, I can hear my father yelling, "you cannot drown! You are a great swimmer!" Still, I struggle until I am too tired to fight it anymore and I drown. This is the point when I finally wake up. My heart racing. Sweat pouring down my back and my chest aching as I have been holding my breath.
I hate that dream.
I am going out on a limb here but it may have something to do with anxiety. Ya think?
Friday, January 13, 2017
Monday, January 2, 2017
Lost Lost Lost...I've Lost My Marbles
I've never liked admitting my weakness. I mean--who does? But in all seriousness, it is utterly painful for me to admit that I am weak or that I lack faith in my BIG God. Recently, I have had to admit that not only am I terribly weak and have a great need for my BIG God, but also my faith in His love for me was weak too.
Kind of a dark period for me. I even had a friend say, "But I thought you were a worship leader." Not my best moment when I responded, "Whoever gave you the idea that a worship leader would never struggle with their faith?" Her response was, "you".
One of my very favorite movies is Hook. There is a funny scene where Toodles, now an old "Lost Boy", is searching all over the ground for something and repeating over and over, "Lost, lost, lost..." Peter (Robin Williams), visibly disturbed, asks him what he is looking for. Toodles' reply struck me so funny that I have never forgotten it: "I've lost my marbles." Even writing this makes me smile. He had actually lost his "happy thoughts" which were marbles but we can see that his mind was fleeting as well.
His loss was painful. How often I have felt that pain, particularly now. I've lost something really important (like, I don't know... my mind?) and I haven't any idea where I put it or how to get it back. Loss is rough; it's a painful reminder of our incredible weakness, but it can also be a reminder of God's incredible strength.
God has this crazy way of speaking to me through pain and weakness. Pain drives me to ask the dark questions that I pretend don't bother me when all is well. I am kind of a strong person physically. I have almost always been able to push though and get the job done (complaining the entire time, but still, I can get through it). The last couple of months have been filled with so much pain, self-questioning, self-doubt and grief that there were times I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. This time, I was finding it difficult to push through the pain. Very disturbing to my friends and family. My friends were telling me it was no big deal and to just get over it. My Mother suggested that I go to the doctor for medication, my sister suggested Biblical Counseling, and my husband just prayed and prayed and prayed.
Nothing could shake this feeling of uselessness, self-hatred, and insecurity, constantly thinking that the loss of our ministry was reflective of the way God felt about me. I turned to the Bible. I studied every passage on joy I could find. I studied about forgiveness. I studied about God's steadfast love. Yet, nothing seemed to pull my mind from the idea that I was useless.
We go to a church where the service always ends with "You Are Loved". Now, I know this is meant to encourage the church. They are loved... greatly loved. They need to know God loves them. But that message was not for me, it was for them. Oh, how those words have plagued me. Every time I would see them, I was completely deflated. How could anyone love a failure like me? After all, even God must think I am useless since we were no longer serving Him. I could take not leading worship, but not serving anywhere? No ministry at all. My hands idle and completely useless. Just going to church, listening to the sermon and going home.
Psalm 42:7 says that deep calls to deep. The lows were so low that when a bit of joy would come my way breaking through the terrible darkness, I would almost burst. Oh, the poor people who have experienced this erratic behavior; they were probably thinking I'm a crazy lunatic. I was just torn in two directions and I could not reconcile it. I know that as a believer in Jesus, I have certain promises that I can be confident of. Promises like, "I will never leave you or forsake you" or, "You are mine" or, "Nothing can pluck you from My hand." I know what God's Word says. My lack of faith made me feel even more worthless. I was in deep and the waves were crashing over my head.
A couple of weeks ago, I started to will myself back to reality, pushing myself to kick the darkness away. This had gone on too long, and it was time to snap out of it, if not for myself, for my children who were watching. I started to cling to the idea of joy again. Choosing joy. Knowing joy. Joy to the freaking world! But again the knowledge that I was a failure still edged the back of my mind, reminding me that I had failed at serving God.
But God... I needed that moment when I remember that God really does love me and will use all of this to make something great. I'm not sure of the exact moment, but I guess I can see a light at the end of this terribly dark tunnel. There is hope. God has a purpose in this loss, and it was not to tell me I was useless. It is all for His glory. I think I can say that for everyone who has struggled like this, there is hope, you are loved and God is good.
This hope does not come from flippant words run across a cold screen. Hope began to rise when I finally let go of all my striving to push through the pain and recognize that His strength is enough. I started to understand Psalm 103 as a beacon of hope from my great and wise God. A God who forgives, heals, redeems, crowns us with steadfast love and mercy, satisfies. He knows my name, my nature, my heart and mind. This lack of faith was not a surprise to Him. When I question His love for me, I am not failing Him. I am proving Him. Because He never fails. His strength, kindness, love never fail. Never.
There is the hope I have been looking for. Hope is a beautiful thing. His purpose is good. His will perfect. Even when I cannot see over the next hill to the beautiful valley below. There can be great comfort knowing the very character of God is love. He loves us so much He humbled Himself and came to die a painful, humiliating, shameful, horrific death to pay for my own disobedience. How small my loss seems in the light of my Savior's beautiful love. His mercy. His grace. His love.
I may be a failure in the standards of the world... but God. This is not a failure. My God had a purpose for my good in this loss and most importantly His glory. If the only thing was to teach me that He does not fail- Ever.
I may have found my marbles in two little words. But God.
If you have a minute- listen to Set My Heart by Vertical Church Band. This song just speaks my heart. Maybe it will minister to you too.
Kind of a dark period for me. I even had a friend say, "But I thought you were a worship leader." Not my best moment when I responded, "Whoever gave you the idea that a worship leader would never struggle with their faith?" Her response was, "you".
One of my very favorite movies is Hook. There is a funny scene where Toodles, now an old "Lost Boy", is searching all over the ground for something and repeating over and over, "Lost, lost, lost..." Peter (Robin Williams), visibly disturbed, asks him what he is looking for. Toodles' reply struck me so funny that I have never forgotten it: "I've lost my marbles." Even writing this makes me smile. He had actually lost his "happy thoughts" which were marbles but we can see that his mind was fleeting as well.
His loss was painful. How often I have felt that pain, particularly now. I've lost something really important (like, I don't know... my mind?) and I haven't any idea where I put it or how to get it back. Loss is rough; it's a painful reminder of our incredible weakness, but it can also be a reminder of God's incredible strength.
God has this crazy way of speaking to me through pain and weakness. Pain drives me to ask the dark questions that I pretend don't bother me when all is well. I am kind of a strong person physically. I have almost always been able to push though and get the job done (complaining the entire time, but still, I can get through it). The last couple of months have been filled with so much pain, self-questioning, self-doubt and grief that there were times I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. This time, I was finding it difficult to push through the pain. Very disturbing to my friends and family. My friends were telling me it was no big deal and to just get over it. My Mother suggested that I go to the doctor for medication, my sister suggested Biblical Counseling, and my husband just prayed and prayed and prayed.
Nothing could shake this feeling of uselessness, self-hatred, and insecurity, constantly thinking that the loss of our ministry was reflective of the way God felt about me. I turned to the Bible. I studied every passage on joy I could find. I studied about forgiveness. I studied about God's steadfast love. Yet, nothing seemed to pull my mind from the idea that I was useless.
We go to a church where the service always ends with "You Are Loved". Now, I know this is meant to encourage the church. They are loved... greatly loved. They need to know God loves them. But that message was not for me, it was for them. Oh, how those words have plagued me. Every time I would see them, I was completely deflated. How could anyone love a failure like me? After all, even God must think I am useless since we were no longer serving Him. I could take not leading worship, but not serving anywhere? No ministry at all. My hands idle and completely useless. Just going to church, listening to the sermon and going home.
Psalm 42:7 says that deep calls to deep. The lows were so low that when a bit of joy would come my way breaking through the terrible darkness, I would almost burst. Oh, the poor people who have experienced this erratic behavior; they were probably thinking I'm a crazy lunatic. I was just torn in two directions and I could not reconcile it. I know that as a believer in Jesus, I have certain promises that I can be confident of. Promises like, "I will never leave you or forsake you" or, "You are mine" or, "Nothing can pluck you from My hand." I know what God's Word says. My lack of faith made me feel even more worthless. I was in deep and the waves were crashing over my head.
A couple of weeks ago, I started to will myself back to reality, pushing myself to kick the darkness away. This had gone on too long, and it was time to snap out of it, if not for myself, for my children who were watching. I started to cling to the idea of joy again. Choosing joy. Knowing joy. Joy to the freaking world! But again the knowledge that I was a failure still edged the back of my mind, reminding me that I had failed at serving God.
But God... I needed that moment when I remember that God really does love me and will use all of this to make something great. I'm not sure of the exact moment, but I guess I can see a light at the end of this terribly dark tunnel. There is hope. God has a purpose in this loss, and it was not to tell me I was useless. It is all for His glory. I think I can say that for everyone who has struggled like this, there is hope, you are loved and God is good.
This hope does not come from flippant words run across a cold screen. Hope began to rise when I finally let go of all my striving to push through the pain and recognize that His strength is enough. I started to understand Psalm 103 as a beacon of hope from my great and wise God. A God who forgives, heals, redeems, crowns us with steadfast love and mercy, satisfies. He knows my name, my nature, my heart and mind. This lack of faith was not a surprise to Him. When I question His love for me, I am not failing Him. I am proving Him. Because He never fails. His strength, kindness, love never fail. Never.
There is the hope I have been looking for. Hope is a beautiful thing. His purpose is good. His will perfect. Even when I cannot see over the next hill to the beautiful valley below. There can be great comfort knowing the very character of God is love. He loves us so much He humbled Himself and came to die a painful, humiliating, shameful, horrific death to pay for my own disobedience. How small my loss seems in the light of my Savior's beautiful love. His mercy. His grace. His love.
I may be a failure in the standards of the world... but God. This is not a failure. My God had a purpose for my good in this loss and most importantly His glory. If the only thing was to teach me that He does not fail- Ever.
I may have found my marbles in two little words. But God.
If you have a minute- listen to Set My Heart by Vertical Church Band. This song just speaks my heart. Maybe it will minister to you too.
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