Great Is Thy Faithfullness

When my husband and I were married I insisted that the song "Great is Thy Faithfullness" be the song I came down the isle to. This song is significant to me for a variety of reasons. There were many years when I was faithless to God. My heart was in direct disobedience to the Lord I loved and like Jonah, I tried (in vain)to hide from His lovely face. That time of my life, so full of sin, makes me grimace when I think of it. Painful memories that sting and burn from the shame. One day, the Lord pulled at me as He had done so many times before and finally I submitted to Him. Through all of that, God had remained faithful to me- just as He had promised (Deut31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you). A constant shelter in the storm of sin I had created.
Recently, I have been going through a pretty significant storm. This storm is different because in this storm my reaction is not to run from God but to trust Him. I have suffered with infertility issues for all of my adult life. My oldest daughter was conceived not during the throws of maritial passion but in a doctor's office which was as sterile an environment as you can imagine. Nothing romantic there. It was the end of a very long two years of doctor's appointments, prescriptions,painful tests, so many negative pregnancy tests(I can't even count them all) and many many tears. Then with a new doctor and a new therapy there was finally hope. Within the first month and by the grace of God finally a new life was formed. My second daughter came as a completely wonderful suprise. I was just feeling tired one day- lo and behold I was pregnant.
A couple of years ago, my husband I decided that it was time to try for our last baby. We had always dreamed of having four children but time has been ticking and the closer 40 seems the less likely that dream will be realized. In the last three months we have been again seeing the fertility doctor for one last shot at having a baby. The first month we did not have any folicles or eggs that were viable for fertilization, the second month there was one egg that was a good size but unfortunately, it did not fertilize. The doctor had warned me that after three unsuccessful cycles, they would likely have to try another type of therapy. On Saturday morning we had an ultrasound and it showed only one folicle and it was slightly too small to fertilize. The nurse told me that it would not be possible to get pregnant this month and that we would have to look into different trying a different therapy. In other words- we would have to do shot therapy. The shots for this therapy are very expensive and our insurance covers $0 for fertility. This was what my husband and I finally decided meant the end. Maybe it is just not the Lord's will for us to have anymore children. I communicated this to the nurse and really I felt at peace with it. I mean, God knows me better than I will ever know myself and His will is perfect. I was really ready to submit to Him and I was ready to accept this as His answer. The nurse was so sweet and said that she understood and that she would call me on Monday after she had spoken to the doctor. She also said not to get too discouraged, that eggs this size can sometimes suprise you and mature later in your cycle. She encouraged me to get an ovulation kit and see if the egg did mature and that I had an LH surge. I did just that and this morning, I had an LH surge which means it is possbile for me to get pregnant. I don't know if the egg will fertilize or if this will be a successful pregnancy (I have had several miscarriages) but what I do know is God is faithful and when we trust in Him- He is faithful to us (no matter what His answer is). God is Greater than infertility even if it means that I won't have anymore babies. I will trust Him for Great is His Faithfullness.
Psalm 18:2
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.