Satisfied

I was watching the Time Traveler's Wife. Not an extraordinary movie by any stretch of the imagination but I did glean something. The family in the movie has been separated over the course of their relationship because the husband is a time-traveler. This is of course painful for the family that is left waiting for him as he travels time. The wife is looking for some sort of normal existence and you really want it for her too. She finds out she is pregnant and then loses the baby. This happens again and they allude to the idea that she has lost several babies. Finally the husband gets a vasectomy but he time-travels as a younger man and they again meet up. They come together and she becomes pregnant. This baby survives and they are more than happy as a family only to discover his time is limited and their dreams of normalcy are not possible. They have to be satisfied with the life they are given.

This really spoke to me. These people, while of course fictional, were able to be satisfied with a life that was far less than desirable and the circumstances were beyond their control. This is the description of my life-I am living in circumstances that are beyond my control. It is beyond my control to have another baby. This has been the one thought that has plagued my mind for years- why me? Why do I have to have this struggle- why is it so hard for me? Words that scream selfishness. I have known people who have no children and may never have any-their pain is real and yet I think of my self. I have been blessed with two children. Two children that make me laugh every day and bring unspeakable joy to our home and yet I long for more. There is no satiating the longing in my heart for a large family. But how many times can God bless me before I will just be satisfied? How much is enough?

As I watched this mind-numbing movie I was struck by the idea that satisfaction is a choice we have to make. Choosing to remember that God is good and my daughters are enough for me! I can be satisfied with God's will for our family because it is good and it is right. I will choose not to struggle for something that is not His will. A long time ago, I learned this simple little song taken from the Psalms. Its words have lingered in my heart. This song has sort of been romancing me to the Lord over and over.

"God you are my God. Earnestly, I'll seek Your face. I will lift You high. I will lift You high. I will lift Your name on high. How I thirst for You. Every day I thirst for You. I will lift You high. I will lift You high. I will lift Your name on High. I have seen you in the sanctuary. I have seen Your power and I have seen Your glory. I am satisfied by You. I am satisfied by You."

Today, I thought about the words and wondered how many times in my life I have been satisfied with an answer that God gave me. I don't remember any. I am unsatisfied and unhappy with the word no. So I have fought for my own way. Striving to get what I want no matter the cost. But now I have to choose to be satisfied. Choose to accept that God knows my story better than I do and His choice for my life is good and it is right. It is not easy.