Love Blindness

Two years ago I had gastric bypass surgery. It was not an easy decision to make and there were many people in my life that were against it. Just moments before I went into surgery I met this kind of crazy guy who told me something I have never forgotten, he said, "You are no longer a fat person. When you leave this place you are no longer a fat person. There will be people in your life that will always think of you as a fat person and won't be able to stand the change. Let go of the people who only saw fat and embrace the ones that have always loved you for you." Although I thought what he said was so nice, I couldn't help but question. I mean, my friends all loved me for me. Right? Everyone was going to be happy for me as I began my life as a normal sized person. At least that was what I thought.

After a few months of weight loss, I would post pictures of myself onto Facebook. The compliments as well as the questions started flying in. I was loving it. People were happy for me. The resistance I had felt prior to my surgery was over and now I could enjoy my new journey to a healthy life.

Then Russ and I took the girls to the Happiest Place on Earth. Four months after my surgery, we were at Walt Disney World (WDW). I had dropped 50 lbs and was already feeling smaller. I was just under 300 lbs at the time but I was able to fit in my airplane seat without a seat belt extender and that was amazing. One of the days at WDW, we visited the Country Bear Jamboree. I have vivid memories of that place as a child and thought nothing of bringing our girls there. Once the show got started I noticed that there was a very large bear that the other bears kept making BIG jokes about. Oh boy, I did not expect that. I kept thinking of my daughters watching this and was imagining what they would be thinking. Did they know their mother was one of the largest people in the room. Would they be ashamed of me? How would this effect their own self image. It really bothered me and honestly, I lost a lot of respect for WDW.

As the months went on, I discovered that I was pregnant. This was happy but alarming too. What would happen to the baby? I was just at the beginning of my weight-loss journey and now they wanted me to gain 25 to 30 lbs. But I continued to grow smaller and my pregnancy was actually very healthy. My baby was born with no complications and was even over due! No gestational diabetes just Joy! An added bonus-with my other pregnancies, no one knew I was pregnant until I was just about to deliver. Not this time- I had a perfect little baby bump and I loved it. Here is a picture of me in 2005 with my first pregnancy.

Here I am in 2011 with my last pregnancy... wow. After I had my beautiful baby my body started to change into a normal sized person. I was wearing a size 16 and then a 14 and now a 12. Still, I look in the mirror and see a 350 lb woman. I have no idea what clothes to buy for myself or what would look good on my body. I struggle with this last 30 lbs that just won't come off while my husband tells me I am small enough. A little side note- My husband is such an encourager. Russ has never asked me to lose or gain a pound. He is my greatest fan and I am so thanful for him. His love for me is blind and my love is blind for him.

A couple of months ago, I attended a vow renewal for a friend who was married just days after I graduated from high school. There was a friend there who I had not seen in at least 15 years and I was very excited to visit with her. After the ceremony, she pretended not to know me. This was so upsetting to me that I cried for several days afterward. Why did she do that? We had been very good friends at one time- I was deeply hurt. A few weeks later at my 20th high school reunion, I discovered the reason. She was bothered by my weight loss and her own weight gain. What? I was floored. I had been looking forward to talking and catching up with a friend. But were we ever really friends? This is what that guy had warned me about. There would be people in my life that would always see me as a fat person and relish in it. Those people enjoyed being not as bad as that one. What a terrible thing to do. I started to notice comments of the people in my life. It breaks down like this; 1. Friends that do not notice you have lost any weight. 2. Friends who notice a weight loss but just say, "You look great" or "You look so different". 3. "Friend" that cannot stop talking about how much weight you have lost. The first set of friends, I think are the real friends. They are the ones who loved me and never saw the extra layers of fat they just saw me. I think that is kind of a special love blindness. The other two categories make me a little nervous and are the ones I find it difficult to trust. I think the world hates fat people. They look at a fat person and can only see the extra pounds and the heavy breathing. Or maybe they see something that they do not like in themselves and it is comforting to say, "At least I'm not as bad as her!". They rarely look at the person before them who is in a struggle just like they are-they just can't hide it because they are wearing it. I am so thankful that I was able to lose this weight but not just to fit into what society deems beautiful. I am thankful because I can breathe again, I can run up stairs and I can sleep at night. I chase my kids and can fit into small spaces without fear of getting stuck. It is a new life for me and for my family. That extra 170 pounds was killing me- slowly but surely. Losing so called friends...well there is a little bit of saddness there. I loved my friends in spite of their flaws. I'm sort of grateful for the experience as now maybe I will have compassion for my fellow man. We are all fighting our own battles and we are all venerable in our own ways. Love is blind they say...well, I have to agree. We could all use a little Love-Blindness.