Dream a little dream with me...

Ever have a recurring dream? You know the one that haunts you. Sometimes you fear sleep because it might show up again and you have no control over it?

When I am not fighting with insomnia and am able to sleep- I dream a lot. Mostly dreams where I am terribly frustrated or where I am trying to accomplish too much in too small a time. I'm a mother of three pre-teen girls...that is what I do! But recently, I have been experiencing this really annoying recurring dream that I have been fighting with since I was a child. It is so annoying that insomnia seems like a far better annoyance to deal with. I never thought I would prefer insomnia to anything.

It always begins with me sitting in my childhood bed. I am trying to straighten the covers. My parents enter my dream and stand at the end of my bed. This is sort of strange because they have been divorced since I was three and my dad is now deceased. They are fighting about whatever is worrying me. The more they argue- the messier my covers become. The more I pull at the covers, the louder they fight and the bed gets in complete shambles.

Sometimes the dream shifts and I find myself in a cave or tunnel that I cannot free myself from. Like a giant slinky that gradually becomes smaller and smaller until I find I cannot move or breath. This is when the panic starts to set in.

The end of the dream always turns to water. I am an excellent swimmer and so the idea of drowning seems absurd. Even in my dream, I can hear my father yelling, "you cannot drown! You are a great swimmer!" Still, I struggle until I am too tired to fight it anymore and I drown. This is the point when I finally wake up. My heart racing. Sweat pouring down my back and my chest aching as I have been holding my breath.

I hate that dream.

I am going out on a limb here but it may have something to do with anxiety. Ya think?

Lost Lost Lost...I've Lost My Marbles

I've never liked admitting my weakness. I mean--who does? But in all seriousness, it is utterly painful for me to admit that I am weak or that I lack faith in my BIG God. Recently, I have had to admit that not only am I terribly weak and have a great need for my BIG God, but also my faith in His love for me was weak too.

Kind of a dark period for me. I even had a friend say, "But I thought you were a worship leader." Not my best moment when I responded, "Whoever gave you the idea that a worship leader would never struggle with their faith?" Her response was, "you".

One of my very favorite movies is Hook. There is a funny scene where Toodles, now an old "Lost Boy", is searching all over the ground for something and repeating over and over, "Lost, lost, lost..." Peter (Robin Williams), visibly disturbed, asks him what he is looking for. Toodles' reply struck me so funny that I have never forgotten it: "I've lost my marbles." Even writing this makes me smile. He had actually lost his "happy thoughts" which were marbles but we can see that his mind was fleeting as well.

His loss was painful. How often I have felt that pain, particularly now. I've lost something really important (like, I don't know... my mind?) and I haven't any idea where I put it or how to get it back. Loss is rough; it's a painful reminder of our incredible weakness, but it can also be a reminder of God's incredible strength.

God has this crazy way of speaking to me through pain and weakness. Pain drives me to ask the dark questions that I pretend don't bother me when all is well. I am kind of a strong person physically. I have almost always been able to push though and get the job done (complaining the entire time, but still, I can get through it). The last couple of months have been filled with so much pain, self-questioning, self-doubt and grief that there were times I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. This time, I was finding it difficult to push through the pain. Very disturbing to my friends and family. My friends were telling me it was no big deal and to just get over it. My Mother suggested that I go to the doctor for medication, my sister suggested Biblical Counseling, and my husband just prayed and prayed and prayed.

Nothing could shake this feeling of uselessness, self-hatred, and insecurity, constantly thinking that the loss of our ministry was reflective of the way God felt about me. I turned to the Bible. I studied every passage on joy I could find. I studied about forgiveness. I studied about God's steadfast love. Yet, nothing seemed to pull my mind from the idea that I was useless.

We go to a church where the service always ends with "You Are Loved". Now, I know this is meant to encourage the church. They are loved... greatly loved. They need to know God loves them. But that message was not for me, it was for them. Oh, how those words have plagued me. Every time I would see them, I was completely deflated. How could anyone love a failure like me? After all, even God must think I am useless since we were no longer serving Him. I could take not leading worship, but not serving anywhere? No ministry at all. My hands idle and completely useless. Just going to church, listening to the sermon and going home.

Psalm 42:7 says that deep calls to deep. The lows were so low that when a bit of joy would come my way breaking through the terrible darkness, I would almost burst. Oh, the poor people who have experienced this erratic behavior; they were probably thinking I'm a crazy lunatic. I was just torn in two directions and I could not reconcile it. I know that as a believer in Jesus, I have certain promises that I can be confident of. Promises like, "I will never leave you or forsake you" or, "You are mine" or, "Nothing can pluck you from My hand." I know what God's Word says. My lack of faith made me feel even more worthless. I was in deep and the waves were crashing over my head.

A couple of weeks ago, I started to will myself back to reality, pushing myself to kick the darkness away. This had gone on too long, and it was time to snap out of it, if not for myself, for my children who were watching. I started to cling to the idea of joy again. Choosing joy. Knowing joy. Joy to the freaking world! But again the knowledge that I was a failure still edged the back of my mind, reminding me that I had failed at serving God.

But God... I needed that moment when I remember that God really does love me and will use all of this to make something great. I'm not sure of the exact moment, but I guess I can see a light at the end of this terribly dark tunnel. There is hope. God has a purpose in this loss, and it was not to tell me I was useless. It is all for His glory. I think I can say that for everyone who has struggled like this, there is hope, you are loved and God is good.

This hope does not come from flippant words run across a cold screen. Hope began to rise when I finally let go of all my striving to push through the pain and recognize that His strength is enough. I started to understand Psalm 103 as a beacon of hope from my great and wise God. A God who forgives, heals, redeems, crowns us with steadfast love and mercy, satisfies. He knows my name, my nature, my heart and mind. This lack of faith was not a surprise to Him. When I question His love for me, I am not failing Him. I am proving Him. Because He never fails. His strength, kindness, love never fail. Never.

There is the hope I have been looking for. Hope is a beautiful thing. His purpose is good. His will perfect. Even when I cannot see over the next hill to the beautiful valley below. There can be great comfort knowing the very character of God is love. He loves us so much He humbled Himself and came to die a painful, humiliating, shameful, horrific death to pay for my own disobedience. How small my loss seems in the light of my Savior's beautiful love. His mercy. His grace. His love.

I may be a failure in the standards of the world... but God. This is not a failure. My God had a purpose for my good in this loss and most importantly His glory. If the only thing was to teach me that He does not fail- Ever.

I may have found my marbles in two little words. But God.

If you have a minute- listen to Set My Heart by Vertical Church Band. This song just speaks my heart. Maybe it will minister to you too.

What's Next, Lord?

So this morning, I was checking my Twitter feed and there was a blog post by my husband, Russ (russsays.wordpress.com). It revealed some recent sad news for my family and our church. As I read what he wrote, I started to think about my long forgotten blog. I haven't posted on my blog in so long, I literally wondered if it was still active. After an arduous search and panic over passwords and such...here I am. It took me a minute to try and think of how to start fresh on my blog. What would I write about if I were to start over. Here we go. I'm sort of at a fork in the road-if you get what I mean. The road is diverging all over the place and I'm sort of lost. Two weeks ago, my church asked for my resignation. This was not a huge surprise. God had been pressing on me to resign since last May. I had sought counsel from several different sources and they all said the same thing, "I think you know what you need to do. You just need to do it." That was all well and good but I knew best-right? I kept saying, "The Lord will show me when it's His timing". At the time God was practically tap dancing on my head that it was time to leave but still I tarried. What would happen to my kids if we left? What about all of our commitments at our church? What about the congregation, I had grown to deeply love over the years? The friends we cherish dearly and the hope of serving together for years to come. The list of "what-about" went on and on. The situation was becoming more and more obvious but I am, unfortunately, a disobedient coward. Note the self-loathing... So, I was not shocked or surprised by the call for a meeting on a Sunday evening at 5. In fact, I prayed on the way that the Lord help me to graciously accept His sovereign will over the situation. As I left the meeting- more than somewhat deflated and (let's be honest here) totally annoyed-I was assuring myself that this was all in God's will and plan. Easy words to say to someone else, but a whole different story when it is your life, a ministry you loved, your church family...all disappearing in the distance as we drove away from the church for the last time. And regardless of knowing the time had come- it still hurts deeply to walk away without saying goodbye. Our entire family was involved in ministry there, which compounds the loss. My husband learned to play drums and run a sound board. My girls have helped in the nursery, setting up the coffee, playing piano, cleaning, vacuuming, scrubbing toilets, pulling weeds... you name it-we did it. My motto has been, "as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord wherever He needs us". And honestly, I still mean that. And as any good Homeschooling family would say- what can we learn from all of this? What was my part in it all and what do I need to repent of? I have seen what forced obedience looks, tastes, feels and smells like...I thinketh-it stinketh. Let's avoid that in the future, shall we? Clearly, it goes far deeper than just that, but I'll spare you the details and just offer this- he is still working on me. Thank God. So, what next? In the last three years, we have learned more about God's utter awesomeness! Pouring over His word, growing in our faith and trust of Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us (Ephesians 3:20. What a gift it is to know Him and love Him. Serving Him is ways I would have never considered. That is so cool. Seeing my daughters learn to love serving the Lord-wherever He needs us to serve. I've learned about true adoration, His beautiful worship. Singing like I never knew I could. Memorizing His word like I never knew I could. All for His glory. Psalm 34:8 Oh taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the girl who takes refuge in Him!...I may have changed that a bit to fit the situation!! ;) I've learned to lead others to Him through this crazy gift God gave me as a child. I've learned to faithfully serve Him. No more excuses. If I said I would be there- I will find a way to be there. All in all-The Lord gave me a chance to serve Him. It's been an amazing, painful, beautiful, mind-blowing experience. And I am so grateful. So, what's next, Lord. What's next?

Mesh all a MESS

Another bout of insomnia...so I blog. Will ya pray for me? I love starting a blog post like this. I have this friend who is constantly saying, "pray for me!!” -always in complete desperation of her situation. Not that it is a bad thing to need prayer- I think we all need it daily. But still, every conversation seems to breed a whole new prayer chain- it has sort of been a bee in my bonnet for a while. I find it very amusing that I am now taking a feather out of her book. This may be the Lord providing an opportunity for a little growth in my heart...maybe an attempt to build a little more compassion a friend. Hmmm...so I humbly ask...If you pray...will you think of me? Here's why. Last May I had surgery to correct a pretty significant hernia in my belly. I have experienced chronic pain and several serious infections ever since. Last week, I woke up to another infection along the incision line. My entire lower abdomen was bright red and just plain gross. It really scared me as the last time it had gotten that infected; I ended up in the hospital for several days. This time, I wasted no time getting to an ER doctor for some antibiotics. I then made an appointment for my family doctor to see if I needed to get a second opinion about the whole thing. I mean really... how much more of this can I take? It has almost been 8 months since this saga began. My family doctor told me not to get a second opinion because doctors will play the blame game...it was the other one's fault... and then I may be in pain for the rest of my life. He said, "Go back to the man who did this to you and tell him to fix it". So that is exactly what I did. Yesterday, I saw the surgeon again. He is a very kind man and I respect him greatly. He looked at my belly and became pretty grave. This has to be the scariest thing someone could go through. You know that old expression- the eyes are the window to the soul. I totally get that! He basically told me that there may be an issue with the meshing they used in the hernia repair and that he may need to remove it and then use a biological meshing instead. Then he said some magical words... abdomen reconstruction...in other words a medically necessary tummy-tuck. He said that the excess skin around my abdomen may be causing extra drag against my incision and could be part of the issue. He said that if they did a new repair it would benefit healing to remove the excess skin. Clearly I have some serious skin issues on my belly. Let’s be honest here- after having bariatric surgery I lost a lot of weight and there is just no way around the skin issues. So I had pondered a tummy-tuck once or twice...ahem... But I guess I never thought I would really be able to afford to do it. So I put it into the "someday I wish upon a star" category. I never thought the decision would be sort of made for me in this way. Sort of a blessing in disguise but the reality is; it is still major surgery. So I went from just imagining life without the extra 30 lbs of hanging skin to facing the reality of weeks of pain and suffering that come with this kind of surgery. I'm not sure I am up for it. In a couple of hours I am scheduled to have a CAT scan on my belly to see if this mesh is infected and I guess to plan a course for my surgeon. And I cannot sleep- so I cling to the promises of God. If you are the praying sort and feel led to do so...will ya pray for me? I could really use it. 1 Peter 5:7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Philippians 4:4-9 4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Insomnia and the thankful soul

Insomnia is not always the curse that it seems on the surface. I mean- it really does suck and all but there are some redeeming things about it. The first one that I can think of is there is some valuable alone time for me. It is rare that I ever have a moment alone so I will embrace this in spite of the fact that it really sucks. So on Sunday, our church had the once a month communion service. It is always a time that I personally cherish. It is really cool to have that time to just reflect on the Lord. I love it. Recently, Russ and I started going to the early service our church offers. It seems better for our schedule because our small group meets shortly after the second service but there is a little snafu- our church is very new and so there is no Sunday School or the older kids during the first service. This week our oldest daughter, Maddie, was with us for the first time during a communion service as there was no Sunday School. At our old church, communion was emphasized as a weekly thing (the Christian Church)and all of the kids were insturcted frequently on the meaning and importance of Communion (pretty cool!). So our Maddie knew exactly what to do. That was very comforting because I didn't need to explain anything... she had it. Awesome! So we prayed and went to get our bread and juice together. It was one of those special moments as a parent that we all love; seeing your child understand Communion, understand a part of the Lord. It is really amazing to me to see my children grow up before my eyes. One moment they are laying on my chest and need me for everything and the next thing I know they are making their own decisions and finding their way in this scary world. In some ways I celebrated this sort of rite of passage and in another I was shaken. How my girls are growing way too fast. What an incredible gift it is to be a parent. I am thankful. See, now this is what insomnia is all about for me...I have time to really reflect on what a wonderful life it is that I have been given. That's really something.

And so it begins...sourdough

Well I'm sure this post will be all kinds of boring. I mean really- who wants to read about sourdough? But here we are. So I promised that there would be pictures. I mean to deliver. I have been meaning to post this for a long while but life got in the way... C'est la vie... Now it is 2:00 in the morning and again I cannot sleep... so with a glass of wine in my hand and a cookbook on my lap- I blog. :) I have no pictures right now, but don't judge me... I am a Mom of three and it's 2:00 in the morning! It started out all well and fine. Flour, yeast, water...beautiful.It is important to remember temperature whenever dealing with yeast. Too cold will retard the yeast and too hot will kill it. So keep it warm to the touch about 105 to 115 degrees. I use a thermometer to be sure but I have been told by several different sources that you can just tell by touch. Well...I guess I don't trust enough. Ha! Here is the recipe that I used and surprise surprise... it came right out of my Southern Living Cookbook~Best wedding present ever!! Thank you, whoever you are! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sourdough Starter -1 pkg active dry yeast -1/2 C. Warm Water (105 to 115) -2 C. Flour -3 Tbs. Sugar -1 tsp. Salt -2 C. Warm Water -Starter Food Instructions!! -Combine yeast and 1/2 C. Warm Water in a cup. Let stand for 5 minutes. -Combine Flour, Sugar and Salt in a med sized glass or ceramic bowl (stir well). Stir in 2 C. Warm Water. Add Yeast mixture and mix well. -Cover loosely with plastic wrap and let stand in a warm place for 72 hours, stir 3x a day. Place fermented mixture in fridge and stir once a day. Use within 11 days. -To Use: Remove sourdough starter from fridge and let stand at room temp for an hour. -Stir starter well and measure amount of starter needed. Replenish remaining starter with Starter Food and return to the fridge. Use within 2 to 14 days. Whenever you use the starter- use replenish procedure again. Starter Food 1 C. Flour 1 C. Water 1 tsp. Sugar -Stir all ingredients into remaining Sourdough Starter.

Love Blindness

Two years ago I had gastric bypass surgery. It was not an easy decision to make and there were many people in my life that were against it. Just moments before I went into surgery I met this kind of crazy guy who told me something I have never forgotten, he said, "You are no longer a fat person. When you leave this place you are no longer a fat person. There will be people in your life that will always think of you as a fat person and won't be able to stand the change. Let go of the people who only saw fat and embrace the ones that have always loved you for you." Although I thought what he said was so nice, I couldn't help but question. I mean, my friends all loved me for me. Right? Everyone was going to be happy for me as I began my life as a normal sized person. At least that was what I thought.

After a few months of weight loss, I would post pictures of myself onto Facebook. The compliments as well as the questions started flying in. I was loving it. People were happy for me. The resistance I had felt prior to my surgery was over and now I could enjoy my new journey to a healthy life.

Then Russ and I took the girls to the Happiest Place on Earth. Four months after my surgery, we were at Walt Disney World (WDW). I had dropped 50 lbs and was already feeling smaller. I was just under 300 lbs at the time but I was able to fit in my airplane seat without a seat belt extender and that was amazing. One of the days at WDW, we visited the Country Bear Jamboree. I have vivid memories of that place as a child and thought nothing of bringing our girls there. Once the show got started I noticed that there was a very large bear that the other bears kept making BIG jokes about. Oh boy, I did not expect that. I kept thinking of my daughters watching this and was imagining what they would be thinking. Did they know their mother was one of the largest people in the room. Would they be ashamed of me? How would this effect their own self image. It really bothered me and honestly, I lost a lot of respect for WDW.

As the months went on, I discovered that I was pregnant. This was happy but alarming too. What would happen to the baby? I was just at the beginning of my weight-loss journey and now they wanted me to gain 25 to 30 lbs. But I continued to grow smaller and my pregnancy was actually very healthy. My baby was born with no complications and was even over due! No gestational diabetes just Joy! An added bonus-with my other pregnancies, no one knew I was pregnant until I was just about to deliver. Not this time- I had a perfect little baby bump and I loved it. Here is a picture of me in 2005 with my first pregnancy.

Here I am in 2011 with my last pregnancy... wow. After I had my beautiful baby my body started to change into a normal sized person. I was wearing a size 16 and then a 14 and now a 12. Still, I look in the mirror and see a 350 lb woman. I have no idea what clothes to buy for myself or what would look good on my body. I struggle with this last 30 lbs that just won't come off while my husband tells me I am small enough. A little side note- My husband is such an encourager. Russ has never asked me to lose or gain a pound. He is my greatest fan and I am so thanful for him. His love for me is blind and my love is blind for him.

A couple of months ago, I attended a vow renewal for a friend who was married just days after I graduated from high school. There was a friend there who I had not seen in at least 15 years and I was very excited to visit with her. After the ceremony, she pretended not to know me. This was so upsetting to me that I cried for several days afterward. Why did she do that? We had been very good friends at one time- I was deeply hurt. A few weeks later at my 20th high school reunion, I discovered the reason. She was bothered by my weight loss and her own weight gain. What? I was floored. I had been looking forward to talking and catching up with a friend. But were we ever really friends? This is what that guy had warned me about. There would be people in my life that would always see me as a fat person and relish in it. Those people enjoyed being not as bad as that one. What a terrible thing to do. I started to notice comments of the people in my life. It breaks down like this; 1. Friends that do not notice you have lost any weight. 2. Friends who notice a weight loss but just say, "You look great" or "You look so different". 3. "Friend" that cannot stop talking about how much weight you have lost. The first set of friends, I think are the real friends. They are the ones who loved me and never saw the extra layers of fat they just saw me. I think that is kind of a special love blindness. The other two categories make me a little nervous and are the ones I find it difficult to trust. I think the world hates fat people. They look at a fat person and can only see the extra pounds and the heavy breathing. Or maybe they see something that they do not like in themselves and it is comforting to say, "At least I'm not as bad as her!". They rarely look at the person before them who is in a struggle just like they are-they just can't hide it because they are wearing it. I am so thankful that I was able to lose this weight but not just to fit into what society deems beautiful. I am thankful because I can breathe again, I can run up stairs and I can sleep at night. I chase my kids and can fit into small spaces without fear of getting stuck. It is a new life for me and for my family. That extra 170 pounds was killing me- slowly but surely. Losing so called friends...well there is a little bit of saddness there. I loved my friends in spite of their flaws. I'm sort of grateful for the experience as now maybe I will have compassion for my fellow man. We are all fighting our own battles and we are all venerable in our own ways. Love is blind they say...well, I have to agree. We could all use a little Love-Blindness.

Saga of the Sourdough Starter

I am a chronic suffer-er of insomnia. This hasn't always been true of me. It's only become a real problem in the last two years. It began when I was pregnant with my youngest daughter, Caroline. It's extremely annoying to me but I will say that I have used the time it allows for some serious thinking. So tonight is one of those nights where I cannot get my body to cooperate. I can hear snoring upstairs where my wonderful husband and three beauties are sleeping. Bless them all...but what to do? So I started thinking about my last post. I mentioned a Sourdough Starter that I learned to make when I was in my early twenties. I tried to remember the recipe but it just wasn't coming to me. I got out my trusty-dusty The Ultimate Southern Living Cookbook (my absolute favorite wedding present from-I have no idea who!!). Sure enough there in the sticky pages was the recipe for a Sourdough Starter! I swear-this cookbook has everything in it! Don't you just love that! Actually, many of the pages are stuck together where I have spilled food on the page...messy cook! Cut me some slack people...I've been using this cookbook for 10 years! It has been my inspiration for countless recipes. To be honest, it is one of the only cookbooks that I will use because I'm not the best recipe follower-but I love to read cookbooks to get ideas for my own recipes. I think it is because I don't like over complicated recipes...or over complicated anything for that matter. I mean really-why do it to yourself? Get this totally over-priced piece of meat and this ridiculous slab of cheese that you will only use in this one recipe and then cook it for 15 hours over low heat stirring every half hour while balancing on one foot. Ok-maybe I exaggerate slightly...you get what I am saying! Some things in your life don't have to be so darn complicated to really enjoy. But here I have gone off my subject-Sourdough Starter. So now I am looking at this recipe and quite honestly, why was I so afraid of it? You can keep it in the fridge (not a science project on your counter!!) and you only stir it once a day. I can handle that. So tomorrow...I'm gonna make it and see where we go from here! I will post my picture and result in my science fair project Sourdough Starter! Wish me luck! I am planning a meal to bring a family in just a few weeks and they may be my next victims getting some awesome beef vegetable and barley soup with sourdough rolls. Pictures and recipes to follow soon...Maybe.

For the love of soup.

A million years ago when I had just graduated from high school, I made friends with a Pastor and his wife. At the time, they had six kids, no money and therefore needed to make their meals go as far as possibly. So they had soup and rolls...a lot. If there was a roast one night, the next day there was beef soup. Whatever was on sale could be made into some sort of wonderful warm splendor. At the time, I was eighteen years old and knew absoultely nothing about cooking. But my friend (Elizabeth) loved me and was a very patient teacher. So we made soup and bread together, feeding hungry little mouths with this amazing warm stuff. Funny how the time flies and now I am making soup and bread for my (much smaller) family. What I learned is that most soups start with the same basic ingredients that most people already have on hand; fat (butter or oil), onions, celery, carrots and liquid. I learned that chicken stock was your friend and that a sour dough starter on your counter (with a little care and love) could last the rest of your life. Life lessons- I'm tellin' ya! Then about 10 years ago, I wrote a bucket list that included "learn to bake bread" on it. Well, it took some time but I accomplished that goal and make a pretty wicked yeast bread. Yum! I still love the idea of sour dough starters and stuff like that but I'm not big on having things growing on my counter...at least not at this stage in my life. If I am not eating at Panera Bread (ahem)...I love to make soup for my own family. When the weather turns colder and the leaves are falling from the trees I start thinking about all the soups I can make. There is just something so comforting about soup. My favorite soup is vegtable beef with cream of chicken and rice as a close second. This all leads me to wonder- what's your favorite soup? Would you want someone to bring that to you as a meal? And if you had a cookbook called "Can I bring you a meal"...well, would you like a soup and bread section? And honestly, I need someone to bring a meal to-so I can practice. Seriously people!

what defines me.

I am very close with my sister and so it is not uncommon for us to say uncomfortable things to oneanother. The other day she brought it to my attention that I had been focusing on one unfortunate moment I had experienced. Someone had been unkind to one of my children and instead of forgiving that person- well, I was letting this one moment of unkindness define my opinion. I mulled it over in my mind for a while. How often do I do this? This pattern of unforgiveness. It seems all so innocent. I mean- who hasn't heard the expression- "I will forgive you but I won't forget". Oh man, that is wrong thinking...but isn't that just what I did? I follow several blogs of people that have experienced some serious life altering moments. Lately, I started to notice a pattern in their posts- that one moment finding it's way into every blog post, every conversation, every facet of life... Very defining. That one moment. Their lives are now circling around a new necules. That one moment (no matter how brief) is now defining their entire world. The other day, my daughter Maddie was crying. As I sat comforting her, I questioned her as to what made her cry. She said, "Why did God let that happen?". Wow...isn't that what we all want to know. The answer seems so trite, "I don't know, honey. God's plan is different from ours. I just don't know." While those words are so true, they seem empty. I wanted more from my own answer. God, why did You allow this to happen? That question seems to haunt my mind at both weak and strong moments. But what I think is that it all breaks down to forgiveness or perhaps our unforgiveness. We have been wronged and there is no denying it! We all want justice. We want the wrong-righted. The Bible tells us to forgive...and we shout to all that we are forgiving just not forgetting. Because we want justice and it in our opinion justice has not been served yet. But somehow I think it goes beyond just forgiving the person or incident that has wronged us...it's about forgiving God for allowing it to happen to us and trusting that His plan is good. But who is in control here? Truely. Am I trying to be in control and therefore do not trust the God who created me? Funny how my eyes began to see beyond my own hurt and my own anger...when I realized maybe God was trying to do something here. Maybe God was allowing these things in my life- not as a punishment or because He had forgotten about me but as a tool. A tool to shape me into the woman He wants me to be. These life altering moments...the ones that I have allowed to define the person that I am... Well, maybe they were meant to shape my life- not define it. Drawing me closer to the Lord as I realize my own fraility and His great strength.

That Kind Of Day

Yesterday was not my day. You ever had one of those? It started well but ended poorly. In fact, it is 5:30am and it still has not ended...my baby has been up screaming-off and on all night. ugh... While I was dwelling on my misery, I thought of so many things to blog about- so I pulled myself out of bed, tumbled down the stairs to find my computer. As I searched for the light switch- I stepped in dog pee on my freshly cleaned carpet, then as I searched for a towel my other foot stuck to the newly scrubbed kitchen floor where someone has spilled their drink... Oh yes...it is that kind of a day! argh! I wonder why it is that once you start having a bad day it is so hard to recover. I know that it is all about your attitude or rather my attitude. Whatever attitude I am talking about it sure is hard to turn it around for something positive. But I am trying. I don't want to start this day off on this kind of a foot. So I choose to be happy...ok, well, um... not unhappy. I'm going to choose a positive day inspite of the yuck. Inspite of it all...I will choose to have a good day. period. On a happier note~ I discovered something fun in a cookbook I have been reading. I have a love for Julia Child and Jacques Pe'pin that just will not stop- so my husband gifted me "The Way to Cook" by Julia Child for Christmas this past December. I have taken my time getting to know this cookbook. Honestly, I have read it cover to cover and not attempted many dishes. Not that I find them difficult- I've just had a sort of rough spring and summer this year and cooking has not been on my top priority list. Now that I am feeling much better- I am thinking about cooking again. Hence finishing that cookbook. So I got to the last page and was thumbing through the index, I discovered two instructional DVD's! Ah-ha!! How fun is that?!? So I spent the rest of the afternoon watching Julia describe every chicken recipe in the poltry section. Oh how I love that woman! That night I made a culinary attempt of my own...I will call it creamy garlic chicken. I'm pretty sure it was not all that original- but I did it all on my own and it turned out ok. At least my husband and I enjoyed it. I would share the recipe...but I am not sure I remember. Ah well...c'est la vie (look at me being all French!)! I'm in a better mood already.

Can I Bring You a Meal?

In the last couple of years I have experienced some serious generosity from my friends. This really the understatement of the year...they have been more than awesome. In the last 3 years, have had three major surgeries-each hospital stay my friends have taken my children, fed my family and even taken my dog from time to time. This has been such an incredible blessing to me that I feel compelled to do the same for others wherever I can. This made me think about what gifts and talents God has given me. I mean, how can I best serve others and serve God? Well, it came to me. I'm a decent cook and people like to eat. So I started looking for families that could use a meal or two to get through a hard time. The Lord began to provide those families for me. It has been awesome. I started thinking about organizing the meals into a cookbook of sorts- just to organize my thoughts and maybe find ways to make the meals more cost effective. It seemed like a good idea to me. Ha! It has become a daunting task. As I was thinking of restarting my blog it occurred to me that I could test my cookbook ideas on my blog. So that is what I am going to do...I think. Well, I am open to ideas anyway! So...here is the first glimpse of my cookbook called...drumroll please... well shoot ~ I already named my post "Can I Bring You a Meal?" Tell me what you think. My plan was to find ways to use the same basic ingredients to make two different meals. That way, the meal planner can not only feed the family in need- their own family gets the goods too! So the first idea I had was for a rotisserie chicken. We love um around these here parts! Honestly, there is nothing easier than to pick one of these bad boys up on the way home and you are half way to dinner! Well, I was considering what kind of recipes I could come up with that could make two separate meals from one rotisserie chicken. I usually purchase them at Sam's Club for $4.99. That's not too shabby. Split that in two and you have your meat for $2.50. I have found that you can glean about 2 Cups of chicken from a rotisserie chicken (depending on the size of course). Well, my first thought was soup or chili-that would make a chicken go far and feed lots of people. Ahh haaa!! I wish that I could tell you that I was more organized and had all of the cost of this soup figured out...but I don't. I just thought of doing this an hour ago! A while ago, my friend gave me an easy recipe for Chicken Tortilla Soup which I then altered slightly. It only calls for 1 Cup of shredded chicken! Even better! Save the other cup for another recipe! Yay! This recipe is certainly not the authentic traditional yummy yummy yummy goodness~ but it is delightfully easy and delicious in its own way! My family really enjoys it, I have received some serious compliments and the recipe makes enough to feed a small army! Because I often am bringing meals to new mommies that may be nursing- I only use mild salsa. If you like it hot- go for the gusto and get'cha some hot salsa and maybe add an extra can of rotel instead of the plain tomatoes. Here we go! Easy Easy Chicken Tortilla Soup

1 Cup Shredded Rotisserie Chicken 1 Can Black Beans (Rinsed) 1 Can Rotel Tomatoes 1 Can Petite Cut Tomatoes 1 Jar Salsa (I used mild) 1 Bag Frozen Corn 1 Pkg Taco Seasoning (I make my own- I will do a link later!) 1 Box Chicken Stock 1 or 2 Bags Tortilla Chips Sour Cream or Cheddar Cheese Dump the first 8 ingredients into a large pot! Cook on medium heat until the soup has thickened. Serve with Tortilla Chips, Sour Cream and Cheddar Cheese. It is yummy and so easy!!

Back to the blog.

I was laying in bed today thinking. Well, that can be good and bad- depending on the day! The thinking was about my poor neglected blog. As of the last two years, I have absoutley ignored my blog. Honestly, so much has changed in my life, I considered starting a new blog all together. But really, why? Why not just pick up where I left off? so that is what I intend to do. I mean it's my blog anyway... right? So here we go! The last two years have been filled with so much change for me that I sort of don't know where to begin. For my health- I am nearing the end of my weight loss journey- my goal is only 28 lbs away. I almost cannot recoginize myself somedays. It is wonderful to have the ability to walk without feeling the need to sit down. My thighs no longer rub together when I walk! I no longer feel like I am suffocating at night. It is wonderful.

Our living room is now two shades of brown! And I love it!! Take a gander!

And...we have a new baby!! :) Introducing Caroline Eloise Joy!

Well, since she will be one on August 12th...she is almost my toddler. What a difference two years can make in your life. I will try to update my pictures and family status in the next couple of days. It's gonna be fun!

More than Joy

Today, as I did some homeschooling lessons with my daughter I stumbled across this prayer from St.Francis of Assisi.

"Lord, make us instruments of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let us sow love; Where there is injury, let there be pardon; Where there is discord, union; Where there is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; Where there is sadness, joy; For Your mercy and for Your truth's sake."

How very appropriate. When we are under adversity our response is generally the opposite to what God calls us to be. Humility is not easy but it is the easiest way to Joy. Along the same lines...This morning my Bible study was in Philippians 2. I have memorized much of Philippians 2 over the years, but this morning it had a greater impact than I expected. I am still mulling over the fruits of the spirit as I mentioned in a previous post...I think that today's lesson in humility goes along very well with my pursuit of Joy. My prayer is that God continue to do His good work in me and conforming everyday closer to His image. Also notice the word Joy once again in my path. God is consistent~ of that I am sure!

Philippians 2
Imitating Christ’s Humility
1 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. 5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in very nature[a] God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; 7 rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature[b] of a servant, being made in human likeness. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross! 9 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, 10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Do Everything Without Grumbling
12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. 14 Do everything without grumbling or arguing, 15 so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”[c] Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky 16 as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. 17 But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. 18 So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

Timothy and Epaphroditus
19 I hope in the Lord Jesus to send Timothy to you soon, that I also may be cheered when I receive news about you. 20 I have no one else like him, who will show genuine concern for your welfare. 21 For everyone looks out for their own interests, not those of Jesus Christ. 22 But you know that Timothy has proved himself, because as a son with his father he has served with me in the work of the gospel. 23 I hope, therefore, to send him as soon as I see how things go with me. 24 And I am confident in the Lord that I myself will come soon. 25 But I think it is necessary to send back to you Epaphroditus, my brother, co-worker and fellow soldier, who is also your messenger, whom you sent to take care of my needs. 26 For he longs for all of you and is distressed because you heard he was ill. 27 Indeed he was ill, and almost died. But God had mercy on him, and not on him only but also on me, to spare me sorrow upon sorrow. 28 Therefore I am all the more eager to send him, so that when you see him again you may be glad and I may have less anxiety. 29 So then, welcome him in the Lord with great joy, and honor people like him, 30 because he almost died for the work of Christ. He risked his life to make up for the help you yourselves could not give me.

Joy

This past summer my oldest daugher, Maddie, discovered how to make rainbows with the water hose. She would take the hose and put the nozzle onto the mist setting and spray wildly into the sunshine. It took some practice but eventually she discovered how to find the rainbows around our yard. Maddie also found rainbows at the water park and even at the Zoo one day. She was just enraptured by the beauty of these perfect rainbows there were hidden everywhere. Every found secret rainbow unleashed a new sense of Joy! When she asked me how it worked I explained that when the water and the sunlight mixed, we would be able to see all of the rainbows that God has hidden for us. It got me thinking about what a wonderful God we serve that He would hide Joy in the most currious places.

So moves me to my point~Joy. There has been something strange happening to me lately that I can only assume is a God thing. Joy. I see Joy everywhere. And what I mean by that is I see the word Joy everywhere. I was reading a new book this week and there was a baby named Joyce they called Joy, my daughter was singing Joy to the World and asked me to spell Joy, I found a Christmas ornament JOY and this past weekend we were at a store and I saw the word Joy at least 30 times. I started thinking about what that word meant. What is real Joy? I have this image of the Bible my mother had when I was a little girl-called "The Way". There was a woman on the cover that was looking heavenward and had this look of unexpliciable Joy on her face. I loved that picture. She was so happy and I knew it was because she was on the cover of Jesus' book. I know that was cheezzy but it made me smile as I wrote it-because it really was what I thought at the time. My love for that old Bible was shared by my mother, who read it until it literally fell apart (in my opinion the best way to see a Bible).

In my life, I don't know many times that I have felt that sort of pure Joy. I can name a few- my wedding day just before we said I do- I was consummed with so much Joy I nearly kissed my groom too soon, the first time I held Maddie, the first time I held Sydney and a couple of times when I was worshiping that I felt as if I had been physically in the presence of the Lord. And although I look at these moments as pure gifts from my loving Father I am certain that there are more moments than just these few that He has given to us. Are we missing the Joy simply because we don't look for it or is it related to our obedience and complete submission to Him? I don't think that the Bible would have mentioned it as one of the fruits of the Spirit if the Lord didn't intend on us receiving it. Unfortunately, I think we focus on love and peace way more then we ever think of Joy or patience or kindness or goodness or self-control or faithfullness or gentleness. They are all the fruits of a surrendered life but we refuse to surrender and therefore find none of them.

So maybe God is telling me to surrender- to finally find that Joy that I keep hearing about. Surrender is work though. It's funny because the word itself make you appear weak but think about it-surrender is work. It is not easy to give up your personal control and allow God to move. We don't want to repent, change, be uncomfortable. We want what we want-sometimes with only a slight consideration of what God's will is. Our will trumps God's even though the voice in the back of our head (ahem...the Holy Spirit) is telling us to re-think the situatiion. We miss out on so much Joy because we refuse to obey and ultimately surrender to the God of our life.

Well for what it is worth, I believe that Joy is like those rainbows, or one of Maddie's hidden picture games~it is everywhere~we just have to surrender and allow God to reveal it. Couldn't you use some Joy in your life? I know I could.

Joy.

Psalm 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.

hot and bothered

As a child, I often found myself hot, sweaty and red-faced. This was not due to embarrassment~I was just hot. Most pictures of me (including my wedding pictures)are adorned in a very Rosy hue. Recently, I have had the exact opposite issue- I am freezing all of the time. Today in church, I was shivering so bad I cuddled with my husband for a little heat. Burr~I say! What a turnaround. It is funny to think about all of the changes that my body is going through. The physical changes go beyond how I look and how fast I can man a tread-mill. Because I have lost so much extra insulation- my temperature has changed.

These changes have happened so quickly that sometimes I have trouble grasping what is happening to me. One of the doctors at the clinic where I had my surgery said something to me that has stayed with me through the process. He said, "after this, you need to tell yourself that you are a fat person no longer". I guess I am still processing that idea. I still see myself as a 300+ person in spite of the fact that I have lost 70+ lbs. I recently read a blog written by a fellow bariatric patient that said something to the fact that it takes a lot of time for your mind to catch up with your weight loss. I can certainly see that is true. It is a struggle to get my head and heart around the idea that I am smaller.

I don't think that it is just a struggle for me- it has been my friends too. At first, people would look at me curiously and then ask me if I had changed my hair. "no, I haven't" was my reply. Funny, I couldn't bring myself to tell them the truth. Am I embarrassed? Maybe afraid of their response to my decision to do this thing. At this point it is no longer a secret that I did this and people will comment about my physical change but they don't want any details. That is hard for me. I want to talk about it. I want to process what is happening to me but I suppose it is some sort of taboo. Indeed you have changed, Erika, but don't tell us the gory details.

Another strange phenomenon is how people I don't know look at me. This is not a pity party but the honest truth- people look at me again. In the last few years, I had noticed that people had stopped looking me in the eye. At the grocery store, I used to catch the eye of the cashier as my children would do something funny and we would laugh. About three years ago, that stopped. People stopped looking at me. As if I had some sort of horrible physical defect that they couldn't stand to look at. In the three months since my surgery, people have started looking at me again. Talking to my face and laughing with me again. It is bittersweet because while I enjoy these new found friendships, I mourn for countless obese women everywhere who are suffering from this old fashioned shunning. I wish there was a way to show people that we all struggle with something: money, anger, alcohol/drugs, gossip...over eaters just can't hide their struggle-it's all over their body for all to see. If we all struggle, why do we despise someone for their personal struggle?

The Beautiful View

I met my husband Russ in 2002 and at the time I was in the process of building my very first home. In fact, part of our very first date was spent at the newly poured slab of what would become our first home. At the beginning of October it will be 8 years since I closed on this house. Russ and I were married shortly thereafter.

A couple of days after we closed on our house, we painted our living room a shade of green that has been described by some as seafoam green! ;) While that color sounds rather atrocious, I really loved it. I would often stare at the walls and reflect on the cool color. Very calming and serene~ it made me feel peaceful. Through the years many guests have often walked in and commented on this color~ good or bad~ they commented. Here is the before picture.


Well, time marches on and I suppose we change- our tastes, desires and sense of beauty... I found this particularlly true this weekend as Russ and I painted over the green walls that had for so long entranced me. It was a bittersweet change for me. Saying goodbye to part of our little history together. It was time for this change- there is no doubt of that. There were many chips and broken places where life has happened. Eight years and two small children later, the life of the green walls had come to an end.


It took me a long time to pick out the right colors but finally I choose two shades of brown. I figured neutral colors would make the house easier to sell. We made our purchase and taped off the corners. Let the painting begin!

As soon as I applied the first brush stroke to the wall, I knew the colors were not what I had thought they would be! But it didn't bother me at all. It was a currious thing. The walls, instead of the neutral browns, look grey. A very light grey and a deep rich grey. So fantastic. Here are a couple of pictures.




Now all of the rough patches are covered over. No more black marks from thrown shoes or chips where the kids have run their chairs into the walls. The view is much nicer- but I wonder what new memories we will find with these new grey walls. What will happen in the next few years as we mark a decade in this home. Isn't the view beautiful.

Change Is Coming

There is change in the air. Autumn winds have begun blowing some of the dried tree leaves into our pool. The shadows of fall are gathering around the sky. Change is coming. This is also true for me. Change has begun to establish itself all around me. My clothes are getting too big to wear. My bones are beginning to emerge from the soft tissue that used to incase them. My muscle tissue is still somewhat limp from inactivity but change is coming swiftly. My doctor gave me a B12 shot last week and my energy has returned! I am changing inwardly too. I looked in the mirror the other day and had to do a double take. I have lost 44lbs since my surgery. 44lbs in 5 weeks! That is just amazing! I feel like life is now beginning for me. I took my girls on a play date on Tuesday and was sitting with my legs crossed for at least 20 minutes before it occured to me that I had my legs crossed. I cannot remember the last time I was able to do that. Change is coming.

Sydney

It's funny how difficult life seems when you have two small children. There seems to be an enless pile of laundry, the floor needs to be vacuumed or mopped and the list goes on and on. There never seems to be enough time for anything. The years are passing quickly here and nothing reminds us of that so strongly as the birthday of a child. My youngest daughter, Sydney, will be three years old on August 31st.



It seems just like yesterday that I was on bedrest waiting on her arrival. She was a strong kicker~ a mover and a shaker from the start. Sydney is my wild girl with striking blonde hair and a smile that will break your heart. She is a dancer~ our little dancing queen.

Sydney is my girl. I love her intensity and deep love for animals. She is a person to watch and learn from as she grabs hold of life and enjoys it with abandon.



What a blessing children are~if only we would take the time to enjoy them and forget the laundry for a while. Happy Birthday my little one!

Milestones

Yesterday we had a birthday party for my girls. My oldest, Maddie was 5 years old on August 6th and my youngest, Sydney will be 3 years old on August 31st.
Needless to say- I am becoming nostolgic at the thought of passing the 5 year mark as a mother. It is amazing all of the milestones my girls have already passed. They are beautiful and are such a gift. In this 5 years, I have seen much more than I think I may have wanted, I have given more than I ever thought possible and I have received beyond the imaginable. I love being a mother to my girls. Thank you Lord for the gift of Motherhood- may I never take it for granted and may I always be in awe that you blessed me with it so richly.